Category: Perfectionism

When Nice Becomes Control

8/26/2014

Are You Caught in An Over-Helping Trap?

“It’s easy to get confused by the Messiah Trap, a two-sided lie that, on the surface, appears to be noble, godly, and gracious. After all, being a caring and helpful person is something we value,” writes Carmen Renee Berry, author of When Helping You is Hurting Me.

Berry suggests that we believe one of two lies when we get caught in this trap.

1. Messiah Trap Lie Number One: If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Messiah Trap people are doers, helpers and genuinely nice people. We keep homes and offices running smoothly. But we can become weary and overwhelmed when we believe another person’s happiness, spirituality, health and/or success is our God-given task. Berry says, “The Messiah Trap is an odd combination of feeling grandiose yet worthless, of being needed and yet abandoned, of playing God while groveling.”

Maybe this applies to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But before you write it off, consider this:

What if a friend, colleague, spouse or child fails to live up to your idea, dream or suggestion for him?
If your plan doesn’t pan out, do you feel like a failure? Make excuses for the other person?
Sometimes when caught in the Messiah Trap, we feel embarrassed and believe another’s poor choices reflect negatively on our own level of success, growth or spirituality.

2. Messiah Trap Lie Number Two: Everyone else’s needs should take priority over mine. Because we don’t want to be or appear selfish, we often neglect our own spiritual, emotional, medical or social needs. People depend on us for answers and unending support, which makes us feel important and worthwhile. However, when inevitable humanness breaks through our facade, we may find no one to help us. We can then feel isolated, lonely or disillusioned.

It’s a catch-22, because we dislike the imperfect sensation associated with insignificance or disappointment almost as much as we dislike losing control and not making everything just right. These less-than-perfect emotions and experiences feel so miserable that we deduce we must try harder to avoid feeling this way. Or we withdraw, pretending we never experienced the uncomfortable feelings in the first place.

Either way, it is a genuine relief once we realize that God doesn’t expect us to have all the answers in order to be a valuable and compassionate friend, spouse, parent, colleague or Christian. We can break free from the MESSIAH TRAP or the OVER-HELPING TRAP. It's okay with God if we relax and let Him take-over what isn't our job to control anyway.

“Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!” (Jude 1:1, THE MESSAGE).

2 Comments

Using Time Effectively

4/7/2014

4 Comments

You've probably noticed that I've not blogged much in the last few weeks. Well, actually it's been since I started my school classes in late January. While attempting to juggle my new much-loved school classes, life coaching, speaking, and my regular life, I remembered that when I was a child, I memorized the verse: "Redeeming the time, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:16.)

I wanted to heed the message, making the best possible use of my God-given time. I thought "redeeming time" meant I must make each moment productive. Over the years, it came to mean filling each minute of every day with activity and accomplishment. Rushing and busyness characterized my life.

Occasionally I paused enough to realize I was not in control of my time. Time was controlling me. I then resolved to step back and adjust, only to be sucked up into the excessive doing once again.

If I made perfect use of my time, I thought, I could accomplish much and God would be pleased with me. It was not only a lie, but an impossibility. Speeding through life is not a productive way to redeem the time. A better way to redeem life's opportunities is to slow down, relax, and enjoy myself, others and God.

Some days I practice this philosophy, some days I don't. I'll never do it perfectly. But God knows my desire to effectively redeem my time. AND He's helped me say "no" this past week to several requests that don't fit into my life right now (so I can continue to say "yes" to what I believe He's given me at this stage of my life.) I'm grateful.

Do you ever feel like "rushing and busyness characterize your life? What do you want to do about it?

4 Comments

My Journey to Seminary

1/17/2014

12 Comments

Awe-titude (Where Awe and Gratitude Merge!)

I'm going to seminary! The word "excited" doesn't even begin to explain what I think about this. All words seem inadequate. While journaling recently, the coined word "Awe-titude" popped into my mind. It's where AWE and GRATITUDE merge. That's how I feel.
Classes at Phoenix Seminary start next week. My life-long dream is coming true! Am I exaggerating about that "life-long dream" thing? Well, only a little bit. I didn't come out of the womb longing to go to seminary. Yet the dream has been hiding in my heart for many decades.
Here's how it happened--My Journey to Seminary in Bullet Points:

At 7 years old I wanted God. Searched for Him by thumbing through the old family Bible that was sitting on our coffee table. Months later when asked if I wanted to know Jesus, I said, "Yes!"
In 7th grade, I sensed God calling me to "full-time Christian service." After determining that it was NOT "just all in my head", one day I flopped down on my bed in my attic room and prayed, "Okay, God, I say yes. I'll do what you want and go where you lead...even if it is to Africa."
Setting my eyes on this goal, I cultivated a personal relationship with my Lord, Savior, and Friend, and entered Moody Bible Institute after my high school graduation.
I fell in love with a guy who planned to enter the pastorate and we became husband and wife before I finished Moody. (Yes, it was "Dick Webb". The Richard that I'm still married to.)
I lived out my "call to full-time Christian service" as a pastor's wife. Then after 12 years, I lost my platform for ministry when Richard told me he was leaving his work as a pastor. This news shocked me beyond words.
Thinking God must have changed His mind, I entered the business world and did well, going from $100,000 in sales one year to almost $1,000,000 the next. Eventually I burned-out and crashed. I was off-purpose, disregarding my "Yes" to God and my deeply held dream.
As I recovered from burnout, people-pleasing, perfectionistic thinking, over-doing, and workaholism (60-80 hour work weeks were normal), I decided that it would be wise for me to go back to what God and I agreed on when I was 12.
Rocking the boat A LOT, I changed inside and out. (Yes, it was a challenging and long process! Richard and I changed the way we did our relationship. Not easy. I respect him for hanging around.) I got more training, some certificates, and eventually wrote 13 books (based on scriptural truth), taught the Bible, traveled to Central Asia and the Middle East (including Egypt in the north tip of Africa!) with a mission organization, and worked to free and empower God's people through Life Coaching and LifePlanning. AND...

Ashamed to tell anyone, I held my secret desire to go to seminary close to my heart, for decades. I had my reasons for hiding:
* I was a woman and much of the church and Christian community didn't encourage females who had spiritual gifts of teaching or knowledge. The spiritual gifts of helps, mercy, and hospitality were okay for females.
* Seminary would cost too much, take too much time, and with each year I was getting too old. I didn't have the money, time, or years.
* I assumed people thought it wasn't necessary for me and I wasn't free enough to ask for what I wanted.
* And the big shame for me: I believed I wasn't good enough because I didn't have the right credentials or education!

At the end of 2012, I sensed God by His Spirit whispering to me words that I found shocking. "Joan, ENOUGH! It is enough. You've done enough. I'm not asking for more." (For a continuing-to-recover perfectionist and workaholic, this was nearly unbelievable news! Actually, it still causes a tug of war within me.)

Then to assure me that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my days in a rocking chair knitting scarves, God encouraged me with this message: "Joan, the rest will be icing, so sweet. If you go to seminary, it will take a miracle."

And here I am at the beginning of 2014: living out the miracle. I'm going to seminary! My life-long dream. 54 years after that 12 year-old YES prayer to God. And Richard is part of my dream come true. He's delighted for me. See why I'm feeling such "awe-titude"?

Please join me in the celebration. When have you experienced a kind of "AWE-TITUDE" in your life? I'd love to hear. Leave me a comment and tell me what you're thinking.

12 Comments

How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

1/1/2014

6 Comments

First Comes Love
"Will you marry me?" asked my boyfriend of five years. Then he flew overseas to serve with the U.S. Army for the entire next year.

After he returned I became Mrs. Richard L. Webb on December 31, 1967. As we drove from the ceremony in our new VW, we thought we knew a lot about married life. After all, we were in love!

Then Comes Marriage
Yet through the years we've discovered a few tips about how NOT to do our marriage relationship. I'm sharing them with you this New Year Day 2014. Perhaps it will make a difference in your marriage, whether you're a newly-wed, empty-nester, or still waiting.

11 Tips About How NOT to Do Marriage

Blame your spouse for what is really yours to decide and change. (You can do this silently or loudly.)
Neglect your own personal and spiritual well-being.*
Believe that the growth and health of your marriage relationship is all up to you. OR believe that it is all up to your spouse. (Black & white thinking limits enjoyment.)
Refuse to negotiate.
Focus (or obsess) on your "idealistic" (unreasonable expectations) for wedded bliss.*
Shame, intimidate or bully your spouse into being and doing what you think he or she "should" be and do. (Often these are related to your unreasonable expectations.)
Pretend to be someone you aren't or that you enjoy something when you don't. (You can be authentic and still choose to enter into an activity that is not your favorite.)*
Compare yourself, your spouse and your marriage to other couples' lives. (Remember, you only see from the outside!)
Always respond to disagreements in the same way you did in your family of origin.
Live each day trying to avoid your spouse's disapproval, ire, or unhappiness. (Your mate's responses to life are his/her responsibility to own.)*
Believe that your spouse and your marriage have the capability to be perfect 24/7, just the way you envision it. This is a sure-fire way to be consistently disappointed with life, marriage and your mate.*

The GOOD NEWS? You, your spouse, and your marriage don't have be perfect to be loving, fun and even wonderful. Really! Only God is perfect!

So you can relax and stop over-trying, over-helping, or over-controlling in order to make your spouse and marriage-relationship be "just right." I find this such a relief!

Which one of these 11 tips do you identify with this New Year? (I'd love to hear from you!)

* When you see an asterisk, click on the sentence to take you to a short link that gives more information about what this "tip" means.

6 Comments

A Grace-Filled Christmas -- Every Day?

12/23/2013

0 Comments

While preparing for this gift-giving season, I asked myself (and God) two questions (at different times.)
1. What is Christmas to me?
2. What would it mean to enjoy a "grace-filled" holiday?

QUESTION #1: In my journal I wrote the following:
To me Christmas is:

Jesus--knowing Him intimately and learning what He meant when He said, "I came that you might have abundant Life."
Loving God and walking/talking with Him daily
Experiencing God the Father, God the Son (Christ) and God the Spirit in the midst of earth's daily imperfection and chaos.

"Sooooo, every day is Christmas to me," I concluded. And then it dawned on me that this reality (that every day is Christmas for me) has caused me to "lighten up" my unrealistic expectations for celebrating Christmas. It's been more an internal shift than an outward one. I've released some of the intense "shoulds and have tos and musts" that society, the media, the church, my inner bully, and others--who appear to have it all together--tell me (or at least hint) that I NEED to do.

In my heart, I now know that I don't have to cram all my giving, caring, doing, gratitude, merriment, music, celebrations, goodwill, and spirituality into the 4-5 concentrated weeks of Christmas holidaying.

QUESTION #2: And then I read about the original meaning of the word "grace" used in the Bible to tell us about the Christ of Christ-mas. This "grace" is the direct opposite of "works", in fact the two are mutually exclusive. All my "trying too hard to make it all just right" at Christmas (or any other time) is the antithesis of grace. When I truly accept God's grace/favor in Christ, I'm able to be grace-ful with myself and others. (John 1:14-17)*

Practical Grace Example! I shared this with some women at the beginning of December. A mom with 4 little kids got so excited that she began thinking of ways to "grace" herself and her family this season. One practical thing she did was to relax her expectations for how her artificial tree would be decorated. When she put it together, she didn't have time to "fluff" up the branches, so she let it go--and allowed the kids to decorate, anyway! All very smile-able.

How will you "grace" yourself and your loved ones this Christmas week?

BOOK WINNERS: Thank you to all of you for commenting on my last blog and entering the book give-away for It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. The three winners were Robyn Bloomquist, Patricia Groff, and Tessie M. Congratulations!. Hope you enjoy reading the devotionals. Love your comments, Everyone. Keep them coming please! :-)

*The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ...From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." John 1:14-17

0 Comments

"We Laugh We Cry We Cook" by Mother/Daughter Duo

12/2/2013

22 Comments

[Joan's taking some time-off and has asked her friends and fellow-writers Becky Johnson and Rachel Randolph to share an excerpt from their funny and heart-warming book about food and love.
Comment below to put your name in the hat to win an autographed copy of
WE LAUGH WE CRY WE COOK. Drawing on 12/08/13.]

Excerpt written by Becky Johnson, mother of the mother/daughter writing duo

An aside to moms of all ages: Even Iron Chefs have bad days in the kitchen. And being a mom is a little like being an Iron Chef—with a million things to do in a ridiculously short amount of time—only you have to do it without a full night’s sleep or hired help.

There are no perfect cooks and no perfect mothers. You will try. You will try so very hard. Still you will fail and fall and sometimes flail. You will feel guilty about all this. When I read about Rachel’s younger self longing for order and neatness, for a mother who valued routines and was fully awake and aware in the morning, I ache with the yearning to go back in time and do it all better. If only I cooked beautiful breakfasts and kept a better house, I think, perhaps my children would never have suffered, never have any of their own personality quirks, never made their own share of mistakes. If I had been more perfect, perhaps they would also be perfect and have only perfect things happen to them.

But let me share something my mother, Ruthie, who the kids call Granny, shared with me. Perhaps it will comfort you as it has comforted me through the years. “No matter how well you do your job as a parent, even if you should do it almost perfectly, you’ll still raise little human beings with selfish streaks, temper tantrums, and the remarkable ability to lie to you with the face of an angel. And even if you could be a perfect parent, your child will still have to grow up in an imperfect world and live through their own share of disappointments and heartaches. Ultimately, you need God’s grace and they’ll need God’s grace, and that’s just the way it is.”

So try not to sweat your imperfections. We are just fallible human beings doing our best to raise other fallible human beings. Do your best with the big stuff, and trust that loads of love and laughter and grace will cover the rest.

On your deathbed your adult kids won’t remember how you loaded the dishwasher (okay, maybe mine will as it is a memorable sort of thing); they’ll remember that you thought they were remarkable, lovable, and capable—a blessing to you and others. If you do your job as well as you can, you will arrive at old age knowing you and your children both had your share of flaws and mistakes, but you’ll focus on what matters most—how, over the scraping sound of burnt toast being whittled, you loved each other to the moon and back.

Granny’s Oat and Fruit Gems

These make healthy snacks and great grab-’n’-go breakfasts.

2 bananas, mashed
2 peeled apples, grated
3 cups old fashioned oats
½ teaspoon sea salt
½ cup raw organic sugar
½ cup dried chopped fruit (dates, dried cranberries, coconut, raisins, apricots all work well)
1 cup nuts and/or seeds, chopped (walnuts, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds all work well)
½ teaspoon almond extract (or 1 teaspoon vanilla)
grated zest of one orange

Preheat oven to 350˚. Mix all of the above together in a large mixing bowl. Spray or oil muffin pans. Fill them about ⅔ full and gently press down with back of spoon. Bake for 20 to 30 minutes or until just golden brown around edges and top. When cool to touch, gently remove from pan. Serves 18.
• Vegan/vegetarian
• Gluten-free friendly (use gluten-free oats)

Becky Johnson and her daughter Rachel Randolph, couldn't be more different...Becky is messy; Rachel craves order. Becky forgets what month it is; Rachel is an organizational genius. But in the kitchen they are in sync.

In WE LAUGH WE CRY WE COOK, Becky and Rachel share stories of their fun and oft-crazy lives as Rachel becomes a mother herself. Though their differences in personality sometimes cause a clash or two, the family funny bone - plus generous helpings of grace and acceptance - keep them from taking themselves too seriously. Sprinkled throughout are delicious and nourishing recipes they love to make and share. Please comment below for a chance to win WE LAUGH WE CRY WE COOK!

22 Comments

How Does Shame Affect You?

10/11/2013

2 Comments

This last weekend I attended my 3rd annual WayPoint Summit for Christian Life Coaches, Spiritual Directors and Transformational Workers in Breckenridge, CO.
The theme was Live. Shame. Free.

It was a "jarringly beautiful and healing" time for me...as well as for others. In empathetic community--free of fixing and "get well quick" blurts--we graced one another with listening prayer, acceptance, safety, and freedom. In messy imperfection. And it was not only "okay", but redeeming. The light shone in. Beyond words...

Reminded me of something I wrote a while back. (See in the right hand column) Do you identify with it on any level? How has shame affected you?

“You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You’re not tired. Your sister still has energy.” or “We can’t stop for a bathroom break now. You don’t have to go that bad, anyway” or even “You should pray like your cousin does.”

Comments like these may sound familiar. Perhaps you’ve been shamed into doubting your emotions, perceptions, desires or needs, causing you to lose your sense of individuality.

“Each of us is surrounded by external sources of shame. These vary, of course,” write David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. “Families where people are called names or compared, or where parents have their needs met by the performance of the children, instill messages of shame in their members.” The authors contend that even billboards, magazine ads and television commercials shame us by promising ways to make us more valuable, lovable or capable.

As wise God-seekers, we can cease sacrificing who we are for the sake of another’s ego-needs or our own desire for protection from negative reaction. Although God has unlimited power, He never victimizes us to prove it. Instead, He treats us with respect and love. He’s worth trusting—even imperfectly.

Lord, I think I’ve allowed others and their opinions to make my decisions for me. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead I want to enter into authentic, freedom-producing and shame-decreasing relationships with safe people who trust and love You. It seems a little risky. (Who am I kidding?) It's a lot risky. I'm leaning into You for help.

2 Comments

Fight Procrastination Day!

9/7/2013

0 Comments

Yesterday was "Fight Procrastination Day" and I procrastinated in posting this blog to my site. Does that mean I put the "PRO" in procrastination?

The dictionary indicates that to procrastinate means to defer action, to delay until an opportunity is lost. Dr. Ellis, a counselor who specializes in the issue of procrastination, defines procrastination as deciding to do something and then not doing it.

Now, I want to clarify something. Delay and procrastination are not the same thing. There may be a legitimate reason for a delay. Procrastination is "to delay until it is too late."

For example, say you received the brochure for a conference related to your field of interest. You read it, the workshops looked beneficial to you and you made the decision to go. But then you set the info aside and put off following through by calling to ask your questions, checking your calendar and registering...until it was too late. Then the day of the conference arrived and the opportunity was gone. You missed it.

If this is your modus operandi and you really want to do it differently, there is hope. You can change.

Decide you don't want to live this way anymore. Acknowledge your need to someone who will listen and help you stay accountable.
Discover and admit the misconceptions that lead to your procrastination. (For example: I've got to do perfectly or not at all.)
Replace your misconception with the truth. (For example: Perfection on this earth is not possible. Only God is perfect. I need only do the best I can at any given time and even that might fluctuate.)
As a Christian, you can then surrender the entire journey to God and trust that He is able to guide you through the changing process.
Remain committed to your decision for new habits and attitudes. Keep walking through the fear that often accompanies any unfamiliar process of positive change.

And here are 10 practical tips for ceasing to put the "PRO" in procrastination. (Not in order of importance)

Accept (or start) a new major project only when you have released an existing one.
Set mini-goals when working on an extended project. Some call it "chunk-a-sizing." Then the entire long-term goal does not hang over your head continually.
Stop the negative thought patterns that throws the "misconception" in your face. Develop a system that works for you.
Delegate the workload.
Become friends with "time."
Ask questions. Ask for help. Then accept it.
Cultivate a support system.
Learn to say "no" as well as "yes."
Remember that less is sometimes more.
Recognize and accept your limitations. (Even Jesus couldn't be in two places at once while here on this earth.)

Which tip will you try this week?

0 Comments

Celebrating "Kiss and Make Up Day"

8/24/2013

0 Comments

Perhaps you've been disappointed when your relationships haven't been the constant support and joy you expected them to be. So have I.

However, our loved ones have good and bad days just like you and I do. Any of us can become enmeshed in a personal "muddle" that renders us unavailable or irritating to the other. While this can be stressful and frustrating, we don't need to panic.

We can learn:

To keep expectations of ourselves, other people, and our relationships healthy and reasonable.
That our daily interactions with loved ones need not be perfect.
That every human relationship has ups and downs.
That we, human beings, will not always be able to meet each other's needs or desires.
That the truth is: We can't read one another's minds and sometimes we'll get peeved.

But staying peeved or holding a grudge is energy-robbing and relationship-spoiling.

So, since August 25 is "Kiss and Make Up Day" how about ending the frosty silence or back-handed criticism and reaching out to kiss and make up? Perhaps some of you don't use the silent treatment or sarcasm, but your heart keeps a distance. Maybe it's time to take a moment to recall what you're grateful about in your relationship.

Then celebrate "Kiss and Make Up Day 2013" by telling your loved one (friend, spouse, sister, child, parent) one thing about him/her that you're thankful for, puckering up and giving him/her a kiss--on the cheek, forehead, or right on the lips, whatever is appropriate! And if August 25 has already passed, pretend it's "Kiss and Make Up Day" and do it anyway! :-)

Did you know August 25 was "Kiss and Make Up Day"? You do now--and it will pop up every year! So mark your calendar and celebrate!

0 Comments

Are You A Work Anorexic, Work Binger, or Obsessive Worker?

8/16/2013

0 Comments

It's the weekend! Maybe this means you're taking a break from work. Maybe not.

In my experience as a life coach, speaker/teacher/trainer, and mentor, I've noticed that many people struggle with issues related to work and service. It matters not if they're an executive, nurse, homeschooler, ministry volunteer or a young parent. Even medical exerts agree that there's an "action-addiction" epidemic.

In her book Working Ourselves to Death, author Diane Fassel maintains that though action-addicts (another name for workaholics) work, serve, or rush a great deal, they aren't always working.

There's the “work anorexic” who is afraid she’ll make a mistake, so she procrastinates and then feels so guilty that she’s immobilized.
There's the “work binger” who works in high-intensity spurts that become his method of medicating life’s disappointments.
Then there is the most noticeable workaholic; the “obsessive worker,” who accepts project after project, working long hours to ensure that it all gets done right, and everyone is helped and pleased.

Yet, even Jesus--who came to earth to do the most important work of all--said "no" sometimes. (Check out Luke 8:26-38 & Mark 5:18-20)

The truth is: Your work & service (whether it's in the office, in the home, on the field or at church) don't have to be relentless or perfect to be significant, meaningful and productive. :-)

I find that such a relief. What about you?

What kind of a worker are you?

0 Comments

<<Previous

When Nice Becomes Control

Using Time Effectively

My Journey to Seminary

How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

A Grace-Filled Christmas -- Every Day?

"We Laugh We Cry We Cook" by Mother/Daughter Duo

How Does Shame Affect You?

Fight Procrastination Day!

Celebrating "Kiss and Make Up Day"

Are You A Work Anorexic, Work Binger, or Obsessive Worker?

Joan C. Webb

Categories

Archives