Joan C. Webb
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   Joan's BLOG

How Does Shame Affect You?

10/11/2013

2 Comments

 
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This last weekend I attended my 3rd annual WayPoint Summit for Christian Life Coaches, Spiritual Directors and Transformational Workers in Breckenridge, CO. 
The theme was Live. Shame. Free. 
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It was a "jarringly beautiful and healing" time for me...as well as for others. In empathetic community--free of fixing and "get well quick" blurts--we graced one another with listening prayer, acceptance, safety, and freedom. In messy imperfection. And it was not only "okay", but redeeming. The light shone in. Beyond words...
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Reminded me of something I wrote a while back. (See in the right hand column)  Do you identify with it on any level? How has shame affected you?
“You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You’re not tired. Your sister still has energy.” or “We can’t stop for a bathroom break now. You don’t have to go that bad, anyway” or even “You should pray like your cousin does.” 

Comments like these may sound familiar. Perhaps you’ve been shamed into doubting your emotions, perceptions, desires or needs, causing you to lose your sense of individuality. 

“Each of us is surrounded by external sources of shame. These vary, of course,” write David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. “Families where people are called names or compared, or where parents have their needs met by the performance of the children, instill messages of shame in their members.” The authors contend that even billboards, magazine ads and television commercials shame us by promising ways to make us more valuable, lovable or capable.

As wise God-seekers, we can cease sacrificing who we are for the sake of another’s ego-needs or our own desire for protection from negative reaction. Although God has unlimited power, He never victimizes us to prove it. Instead, He treats us with respect and love. He’s worth trusting—even imperfectly.

Lord, I think I’ve allowed others and their opinions to make my decisions for me. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead I want to enter into authentic, freedom-producing and shame-decreasing relationships with safe people who trust and love You. It seems a little risky. (Who am I kidding?) It's a lot risky. I'm leaning into You for help. 
2 Comments
Gina link
12/17/2013 02:53:16 am

Thanks for this, Joan. Being told I shouldn't feel a certain way takes me from 0-120 mph in short order. When we shame people for how they feel we tell them that they cannot trust their hearts and that the very core of who they are is wrong. Maddening! (Okay, breathing now.)

Reply
Joan C. Webb
12/17/2013 12:50:24 pm

Definitely maddening. I hate shaming and abuse. And methinks you do, also. Glad you're breathing now. I have to do the same thing. Take deep breaths. Thanks for the comments.
BTW, I think of you, often, Gina. Hope things are going well.

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    Joan C. Webb

    Writing, teaching, coaching to empower and set free.
    Joan is an inspirational speaker, Bible teacher, Life Coach, and author of 13 books including It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, The Relief of Imperfection, The Intentional Woman. She does consulting, as well as Life Coaching, for writers, speakers, ministry leaders and entrepreneurs.

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"Are you tired? Come to me. ...Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
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  • Home
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    • Enneagram Spiritual Formation Coaching Resources
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    • The Intentional Woman Mission/Vision
    • The Intentional Woman Authors
    • IW LifePlan
  • Freebies
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    • Nourishment for New Moms
    • The Intentional Woman
    • The Relief of Imperfection
    • It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life
    • Everyday Wisdom
    • Devotions for Little Boys and Girls
    • Meditations for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect
    • Joan's Writing Contributions
  • Connect with Joan
    • About Joan
    • Listen to Joan