Joan C. Webb
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   Joan's BLOG

How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

1/1/2014

6 Comments

 
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First Comes Love
"Will you marry me?" asked my boyfriend of five years. Then he flew overseas to serve with the U.S. Army for the entire next year.

After he returned I became Mrs. Richard L. Webb on December 31, 1967. As we drove from the ceremony in our new VW, we thought we knew a lot about married life. After all, we were in love!


Then Comes Marriage 
Yet through the years we've discovered a few tips about how NOT to do our marriage relationship. I'm sharing them with you this New Year Day 2014. Perhaps it will make a difference in your marriage, whether you're a newly-wed, empty-nester, or still waiting. 
11 Tips About How NOT to Do Marriage 
  1. Blame your spouse for what is really yours to decide and change. (You can do this silently or loudly.)
  2. Neglect your own personal and spiritual well-being.*
  3. Believe that the growth and health of your marriage relationship is all up to you. OR believe that it is all up to your spouse. (Black & white thinking limits enjoyment.)
  4. Refuse to negotiate.
  5. Focus (or obsess) on your "idealistic" (unreasonable expectations) for wedded bliss.*
  6. Shame, intimidate or bully your spouse into being and doing what you think he or she "should" be and do. (Often these are related to your unreasonable expectations.)
  7. Pretend to be someone you aren't or that you enjoy something when you don't. (You can be authentic and still choose to enter into an activity that is not your favorite.)*
  8. Compare yourself, your spouse and your marriage to other couples' lives. (Remember, you only see from the outside!)
  9. Always respond to disagreements in the same way you did in your family of origin.
  10. Live each day trying to avoid your spouse's disapproval, ire, or unhappiness. (Your mate's responses to life are his/her responsibility to own.)*
  11. Believe that your spouse and your marriage have the capability to be perfect 24/7, just the way you envision it. This is a sure-fire way to be consistently disappointed with life, marriage and your mate.*
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The GOOD NEWS? You, your spouse, and your marriage don't have be perfect to be loving, fun and even wonderful. Really! Only God is perfect!

So you can relax and stop over-trying, over-helping, or over-controlling in order to make your spouse and marriage-relationship be "just right."  I find this such a relief!

Which one of these 11 tips do you identify with this New Year? (I'd love to hear from you!)

* When you see an asterisk, click on the sentence to take you to a short link that gives more information about what this "tip" means.

6 Comments
Patty Brock
1/1/2014 09:56:16 am

Boy oh boy! Don't we all wish we knew then what we "hopefully" know now! One thing I do know, I'm grateful that my children are more equipped, aware & healthier in their personal growth and marriages than I was. Glory to God!

Reply
Joan C. Webb link
1/2/2014 04:55:43 am

I'm grateful for God's grace in sharing His truth with us. :-) Thanks for your comments on the blog. I appreciate it. And like I say, "One of the most loving things we can do for our kids and loved ones is deal with our own personal and spiritual growth and issues. And although I'd love to have my kids and grandkids avoid all the pain, I can't do the learning and growth for them. By the way, when I was a teen/young adult, and you were younger, I remember praying that God would keep you from pain and hurt. And then I learned that it wasn't mine to guarantee. I suppose God understood that those prayers were from a loving sister's heart, however, immature... :-)

Reply
Patty Brock
8/14/2014 08:50:56 am

Loved reading these 11 again. Really good. And your response from while back. Thank you for caring & your love!

Joan C. Webb link
8/14/2014 09:08:53 am

Thanks, Sis Patty, from across the ocean! Love you much.

Deana
1/28/2014 12:06:55 pm

I love this Joan. It's a great list. It took me years to learn about #10 and to stop doing that. Yes we want to do things that make people we love happy, it get's slippery though when we (I) make myself responsible for their happiness. Nice post. And Happy Anniversary!

Reply
Joan C. Webb link
2/7/2014 02:06:17 pm

Thanks for your encouraging words, Deana. Glad you liked the list. Yes, indeed, we are not responsible for another's happiness. It's free-ing and pretty tricky for many of us to learn. Hope you're doing well.

Reply



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    Joan C. Webb

    Writing, teaching, coaching to empower and set free.
    Joan is an inspirational speaker, Bible teacher, Life Coach, and author of 13 books including It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, The Relief of Imperfection, The Intentional Woman. She does consulting, as well as Life Coaching, for writers, speakers, ministry leaders and entrepreneurs.

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​Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)

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  • Home
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  • Life Coaching
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    • Meditations for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect
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