Joan C. Webb
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Spiritual Direction
  • Life Coaching
    • Life Coaching Brochure
    • What Others Say about Life Coaching
    • LifePlan Brochure
  • Enneagram Coaching
    • What others say about the Enneagram Coaching
    • Contact Joan About Enneagram Coaching
    • Enneagram Spiritual Formation Coaching Resources
  • The Intentional Woman
    • The Intentional Woman Mission/Vision
    • The Intentional Woman Authors
    • IW LifePlan
  • Freebies
  • Books
    • Nourishment for New Moms
    • The Intentional Woman
    • The Relief of Imperfection
    • It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life
    • Everyday Wisdom
    • Devotions for Little Boys and Girls
    • Meditations for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect
    • Joan's Writing Contributions
  • Connect with Joan
    • About Joan
    • Listen to Joan

   Joan's BLOG

When Nice Becomes Control

8/26/2014

2 Comments

 
Picture
Are You Caught in An Over-Helping Trap?

“It’s easy to get confused by the Messiah Trap, a two-sided lie that, on the surface, appears to be noble, godly, and gracious. After all, being a caring and helpful person is something we value,” writes Carmen Renee Berry, author of When Helping You is Hurting Me. 

Berry suggests that we believe one of two lies when we get caught in this trap.

1. Messiah Trap Lie Number One: If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Messiah Trap people are doers, helpers and genuinely nice people. We keep homes and offices running smoothly. But we can become weary and overwhelmed when we believe another person’s happiness, spirituality, health and/or success is our God-given task. Berry says, “The Messiah Trap is an odd combination of feeling grandiose yet worthless, of being needed and yet abandoned, of playing God while groveling.”

Maybe this applies to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But before you write it off, consider this: 
  • What if a friend, colleague, spouse or child fails to live up to your idea, dream or suggestion for him? 
  • If your plan doesn’t pan out, do you feel like a failure? Make excuses for the other person? 
  • Sometimes when caught in the Messiah Trap, we feel embarrassed and believe another’s poor choices reflect negatively on our own level of success, growth or spirituality.

2. Messiah Trap Lie Number Two: 
Everyone else’s needs should take priority over mine. Because we don’t want to be or appear selfish, we often neglect our own spiritual, emotional, medical or social needs. People depend on us for answers and unending support, which makes us feel important and worthwhile. However, when inevitable humanness breaks through our facade, we may find no one to help us. We can then feel isolated, lonely or disillusioned.


Picture
It’s a catch-22, because we dislike the imperfect sensation associated with insignificance or disappointment almost as much as we dislike losing control and not making everything just right. These less-than-perfect emotions and experiences feel so miserable that we deduce we must try harder to avoid feeling this way. Or we withdraw, pretending we never experienced the uncomfortable feelings in the first place. 

Either way, it is a genuine relief once we realize that God doesn’t expect us to have all the answers in order to be a valuable and compassionate friend, spouse, parent, colleague or Christian. We can break free from the MESSIAH TRAP or the OVER-HELPING TRAP. It's okay with God if we relax and let Him take-over what isn't our job to control anyway. 

“Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!” (Jude 1:1, THE MESSAGE).

2 Comments
Katherine Swarts link
9/17/2014 01:17:29 am

Then there's the "God complex," closely related to Lie Number One, that is obsessed with making its OWN world perfect (not for purely selfish reasons but out of a false sense of responsibility) and feels guilty for every day that passes with the job yet unfinished.

Reply
Joan C. Webb link
9/18/2014 12:38:25 pm

Well-stated, Katherine. The "God-complex" is a sly one. Seems nice. But it can backfire. Many of us do develop an exaggerated sense of responsibility and it wears us out eventually and drags us down. It did me, anyway. I found that "playing God is not my best role."

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Joan C. Webb

    Writing, teaching, coaching to empower and set free.
    Joan is an inspirational speaker, Bible teacher, Life Coach, and author of 13 books including It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, The Relief of Imperfection, The Intentional Woman. She does consulting, as well as Life Coaching, for writers, speakers, ministry leaders and entrepreneurs.

    Connect with Joan.  

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    RSS Feed

"Are you tired? Come to me. ...Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
​Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)

INTERACT WITH JOAN

About Joan

​Connect

​Books

​Listen to Joan
Photos used with permission from Future Photo Group

Copyright 2022 Joan C. Webb
SPIRITUAL DIRECTION

FREE RESOURCES

Relief of Imperfection
​Chart


​Wheel of Life Inventory

​Feelings Chart

​Coaching and Mentoring

LIFE COACHING

Tell Me about Life Coaching

​What Others Say
ENNEAGRAM COACHING
Enneagram Coaching and
​Consulting


What others say about the Enneagram Coaching
​

Contact Joan About Enneagram Coaching
​
​
Enneagram Resources
​
​

THE INTENTIONAL WOMEN

IW LifePlan

​IW 5-Step Process
Picture
Photos used under Creative Commons from edenpictures, Renee Silverman, whologwhy, Jaime Olmo, Monkey Mash Button, mealmakeovermoms, peasap, Thomás, flik, Evil Erin, kennethkonica, JLStricklin, marioanima, jubileelewis, tswicegood, fhwrdh, Irwin-Scott, raymond_zoller, xindilo, Kumaravel, Tucker Sherman, h.koppdelaney, torbakhopper, Thomas Rousing, Patrick Hoesly, Sharon Mollerus, Por mi tripa..., Parker Knight, analogophile, JD Hancock, marimbajlamesa, ellyn., Nathan O'Nions, jessleecuizon, ZiarciRose, Alan Cleaver, BékiPe, kevin dooley, libertygrace0, Ryk Neethling, LadyDragonflyCC *TY for 500,000 views! *, Leonid Mamchenkov, Danielle Scott, GabrielaP93
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Spiritual Direction
  • Life Coaching
    • Life Coaching Brochure
    • What Others Say about Life Coaching
    • LifePlan Brochure
  • Enneagram Coaching
    • What others say about the Enneagram Coaching
    • Contact Joan About Enneagram Coaching
    • Enneagram Spiritual Formation Coaching Resources
  • The Intentional Woman
    • The Intentional Woman Mission/Vision
    • The Intentional Woman Authors
    • IW LifePlan
  • Freebies
  • Books
    • Nourishment for New Moms
    • The Intentional Woman
    • The Relief of Imperfection
    • It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life
    • Everyday Wisdom
    • Devotions for Little Boys and Girls
    • Meditations for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect
    • Joan's Writing Contributions
  • Connect with Joan
    • About Joan
    • Listen to Joan