 My friend and fellow-writer, Lynne Hartke, asked me to guest blog on her website this week on the topic of kindness. I shared how God assured me that it is wise to be kind to myself as well as others. “What specific quality would you like for God to develop in you this year?” asked the speaker. The question caught my attention and would not let go. Driving home, I contemplated my response: I’d like to be less obsessive, less intense. I want to balance giving with receiving and then be comfortable with it. I want to be less judgmental of myself and others. Then a light bulb flashed in my mind: Gentleness! Kindness! That’s what I want. I want to be more gentle. More kind.  Later, I looked up the word “gentle” and read this definition: “Kindly; moderate; a mild breeze, usually one with the velocity of no more than 12 miles per hour.” I smiled as I imagined going through each day at a moderate pace. After all, I had previously run through life like a high-velocity wind, attempting to work, serve, give and do it all “just right.” Now I desired authentic gentleness laced with kindness.
I shared my goal with God, prayed for His Spirit’s guidance and began to picture myself practicing gentleness, tenderness and kindness, first with myself and then reaching out to touch others like a refreshing gentle breeze. A few weeks later... For the rest of the story, click here: http://www.lynnehartke.com/living-like-refreshing-breeze-treat-kindness/
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 Ezra 3:8-11: "When the builders laid the foundation...with thanksgiving they sang to the Lord: '...his love...endures forever'" (vv.10-11). "I wonder if I've done permanent damage to my mind and body," admitted a friend who had just left a destructive career environment. "As I begin this journey out of workaholism and burnout, sometimes I'm hopeful, other times I'm racked with doubt. I guess I'd better wait before I count my blessings." At one time I too was frightened that total restoration was not possible. After all, I had "fried" my brain and soul. Perhaps the Israelites experienced similar feelings. They had been freed from the oppressive chains of the Babylonians. Restoring the temple in Jerusalem was their goal, but many obstacles remained. The destruction was massive. Could they ever recover what they once had? With such a huge task ahead, one might expect the Israelites to hold their praise until the temple reconstruction was completed. Yet as the foundation was being laid, they shouted, "God is good." Learning new ways to live is risky. There is much work to be done and many obstacles to overcome. At first glance, it might seem like an unlikely time for Thanksgiving. However, even in our confusion and doubt, we can be grateful for evidence of growth and praise God. Lord, your love endures forever -- before, during, and after the restorative process. Can you think of a time when being grateful seemed like a strange or even ridiculous thing to do, but you found ways to thank God, anyway? WIN A FREE BOOK! The Bible text (in the photo I took of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem) and this blog post remind me of my devotional book, It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. I'd like to give you an autographed copy. Make a comment here and I'll enter your name for a drawing on THANKSGIVING DAY.  I read the following Bible verse and thought I totally understood it. And then God showed me something new. "Whatsoever things are true . . . honest . . . just . . . pure . . . lovely . . . of good report, if there be any virtue, and . . . any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8
I believed that to be a loving Christian woman, I must pretend that I didn’t mind being taken advantage of or mistreated. I ignored any painful matters. (Didn’t this verse mean that I should think only about lovely, pure things?) Because I couldn’t allow myself to think about anything uncomfortable, I didn’t acknowledge that change was necessary. Neither could I pray specifically about what concerned or hurt me (see Philippians 4:6). Then I learned that one of the original meanings of the Greek word for “truth” is the reality clearly lying before your eyes. I blinked in amazement. Indeed I could admit unpleasantness. I’ve met many women who have remained stuck, unable to live out God’s design for them because they believe they can’t (as godly women) acknowledge or talk about any hurtful reality, whether it’s abuse, addiction, depression, eating disorders, post-partum or menopausal problems, anger or grief. I’ve also met women—just like me—who’ve courageously confronted their uncomfortable reality, knowing that there is virtue in honestly growing through the pain to dwell on the true, just, pure and lovely things God has for them. Lord, help me admit the truth, whether delightful or disagreeable. Make It Personal: List what is good about your life in one column, what concerns or perplexes you in another column and what hurts you in a third column. Bring the three-columned list before God, asking for guidance in dealing with your reality.  Are You Caught in An Over-Helping Trap? “It’s easy to get confused by the Messiah Trap, a two-sided lie that, on the surface, appears to be noble, godly, and gracious. After all, being a caring and helpful person is something we value,” writes Carmen Renee Berry, author of When Helping You is Hurting Me. Berry suggests that we believe one of two lies when we get caught in this trap. 1. Messiah Trap Lie Number One: If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Messiah Trap people are doers, helpers and genuinely nice people. We keep homes and offices running smoothly. But we can become weary and overwhelmed when we believe another person’s happiness, spirituality, health and/or success is our God-given task. Berry says, “The Messiah Trap is an odd combination of feeling grandiose yet worthless, of being needed and yet abandoned, of playing God while groveling.” Maybe this applies to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But before you write it off, consider this:
2. Messiah Trap Lie Number Two: Everyone else’s needs should take priority over mine. Because we don’t want to be or appear selfish, we often neglect our own spiritual, emotional, medical or social needs. People depend on us for answers and unending support, which makes us feel important and worthwhile. However, when inevitable humanness breaks through our facade, we may find no one to help us. We can then feel isolated, lonely or disillusioned.  It’s a catch-22, because we dislike the imperfect sensation associated with insignificance or disappointment almost as much as we dislike losing control and not making everything just right. These less-than-perfect emotions and experiences feel so miserable that we deduce we must try harder to avoid feeling this way. Or we withdraw, pretending we never experienced the uncomfortable feelings in the first place.
Either way, it is a genuine relief once we realize that God doesn’t expect us to have all the answers in order to be a valuable and compassionate friend, spouse, parent, colleague or Christian. We can break free from the MESSIAH TRAP or the OVER-HELPING TRAP. It's okay with God if we relax and let Him take-over what isn't our job to control anyway. “Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!” (Jude 1:1, THE MESSAGE).  I’m amazed by Jesus. His work on the cross makes me right with God, and His life example in the midst of imperfection and disappointment shows me how to live. For instance, many loved Jesus; others loathed Him.* But that didn’t stop Jesus from fulfilling His purpose in life. He seemed unsurprised by it all. Although He cared about others, their opinions didn’t alter his plans.
I’ve discovered a misbelief guaranteed to make me (and you!) miserable: In order to be happy, I must be loved and accepted by everybody--or at least most people. Obviously, this isn’t a belief that Jesus espoused. When adhering to this misconception:
Not everyone loved and agreed with Jesus; not all will love and agree with us. This isn’t surprising. But by living out our God-given dream, purposes, and convictions, we can live satisfying and significant lives, regardless of the reactions of those around us. We don’t have to be loved and appreciated by everyone to be happy, content, and blessed. Lord, it’s a relief to know that I can be who You made me to be and do what you've asked me to do even though others may disagree with me. Please help me to be courageous and consistent, even in the face of opposition from those I care about. What do you do when others don't agree with your ideas, dreams, plans, beliefs or convictions? * Thus the people were divided because of Jesus. Some wanted to seize him. (John 7:43-44)
I love taking photos of the flag of the United States of America. In spite of her faults, I'm grateful for my country, for those who gave their lives to give us freedom, and for God's blessing on this land. I was a child when the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance. It's addition impressed me deeply. "I Pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Lately I've been snapping pictures of our country's flag. Here are a few more. Hope you enjoy. Maybe you'll even want to sing "You're a Grand Old Flag" by George M. Cohan.
You're a grand old flag, You're a high flying flag And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of The land I love. The home of the free and the brave. Ev'ry heart beats true 'neath the Red, White and Blue, Where there's never a boast or brag. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, Keep your eye on the grand old flag. 
My husband Richard, an Army veteran (thank you, Honey!), standing next the flag on sailboat trip we took recently off the coast of California.
 Recently I talked with two lovely Christian women about the epidemic of body dissatisfaction in our country--and the world. “I want to lose weight,” Lori said, “but I keep sabotaging myself. I’m tired of stressing about it. I always believed my body was merely the container for my brain and soul, yet after learning 1 Corinthians 6:19-20*, I understand that my body itself is important to God. I’m going to stop shaming myself and look for good ways to treat my body.”  Jeanne said, “When I’m frustrated with aging or my lack of physical attractiveness, I remember how God has gifted me with functional beauty. For example, I feel healthy when exercising and running a marathon. Four babies received life and nourishment from my body. I love and support my husband. My hands prepare meals; my smile and listening ear comfort hurting friends. These flow from the inner beauty I truly desire” (see 1 Peter 3:4). Each woman approaches this topic from a slightly different paradigm, yet both agree: I’m God’s creation, housed in the only body I’ll ever have. He cares about every part of me, and I’ll join Him in honoring and taking care of my body. Lord, I don’t understand exactly why I’m made like I am. Yet I know that You’re on my side and Making It Personal: Think of several ways God shows you that He’s on your side. What's one way you will honor God with your unique body during these summer months?
(This devotion was adapted from my book, It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life.) * Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? . . . Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Cor. 6:19-20) (I changed the women's names to protect their privacy.)  After your Mother's Day celebration, you may be back to your regular mommy-routine, wondering how you can do your mom-role in the way that fits you best. When it comes to life and time management as a mother, it can be helpful to consider your personality style. For a brief overview of how you approach managing your life and time, answer these simple questions. Circle (in your mind) the questions or statements that best describe you. Read each of the couplet questions below and think about which most represents what you prefer to do. A1. Are you recharged by activity, interaction, and conversation with others? OR A2. Do you gain renewed energy by being and working alone or one-on-one and by writing down your thoughts? B1. Do you like to make immediate decisions and have a motto something like “Let’s get going. We’ve got lots to do.” Do you feel stressed when you’re forced to slow down and do nothing for extended periods of time? OR B2. Are you more comfortable discovering all the possibilities and reflecting before you decide and have a motto similar to “If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time and doing it well.” Do you get physically and emotionally drained when you feel pushed into including too many fast-paced activities on your calendar for too long? C1. Would you rather focus on the facts and figures about a problem/issue and like to organize your agenda and stick to the plan? OR C2. Do you notice your feelings easily, like to tell stories, and focus on what others are doing and feeling before you try to figure out solutions? GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK After reflecting on your answers to the above questions, what would you say about your mommy-self right now? Remember, whatever you surmise at the current time is not set in stone. You’re an adaptable woman, and you just might think and react differently at another season of your life. Give yourself a break. When I sat my sleep-deprived mommy-self down years ago and asked, “Well, Joan, what do you need right now?” My spontaneous response was “a little spiral notebook”* to write down when I last nursed my baby girl and to record my needs and grocery items as I thought of them. Pretty simple, huh? I kept it in a pocket or on a table where I fed the baby. Now it’s your turn. When it comes to your current mom time-schedule related issues, what do you need? What’s the first thing that pops into your brain? Nothing? Well, then, what’s the second thing that pops into you mind? There are no right-or-wrong responses to these questions, so relax. Move away from the it’s-either-black-or-white thinking. When it comes to scheduling and timing in your motherhood role, do what works for you and your family. What did you discover about your mom-role? * That was a long time ago. I might decide to use my iPhone for this now!!) 
 Mom, your life has changed! (You're probably saying under your breath, NO KIDDING!) You have a lot to manage. Your situation is not exactly like your best friend’s circumstances. You have unique needs and so does your family. You don't have to do your mothering like anyone else -- even those you admire greatly. You can STOP the Mom-Comparison-Game and set grace-filled goals that match YOU and your family. It's okay with God to slow it down and do what fits you. “Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. . . . Don’t compare yourself with others. "Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life” (Galatians 6:4–5 MSG). You’re the Mom; God’s Your Helper. The following suggestions are designed to assist you in discovering your unique motherhood needs:
Which of these suggestions will YOU try this week?  Adapted from an excerpt in Nourishment for New Moms by Joan C. Webb.
GIVE YOURSELF OR ANOTHER MOTHER THIS SPECIAL GIFT FOR MOTHER'S DAY! Find the answers and encouragement you need to tackle this life-altering transition in the sage advice, practical strategies, and biblically based pointers in my book Nourishment for New Moms. It's sure to help you survive the challenges of motherhood--with grace, poise and humor intact.  Many of us long to be accepted unconditionally, to be free of "shoulds", "oughts", and "have-tos". We hunger for good news to feed our souls. We are tired of striving, yet always falling short. When we stop trying so hard, and let ourselves feel, we may realize our fear of rejection is overwhelming.
Jesus did not come to give us more to-do's. He does not stand over us ready to chide when we fail. He gives no dirty looks when we are tired and cannot go on. God sent Jesus not to condemn us, but to save, deliver, protect and make us whole (John 3:17). Some of us have felt shameful criticism from family or fellow church members. We work strenuously to avoid further rejection. We may believe that if we surrender to Jesus we will experience additional religious condemnation. However, it is not God's plan to heap condemnation on us. He sent Jesus to release us to freedom. This is the on-going good news of Easter. How are you celebrating the lasting freedom of Easter this week, even after the family gathering/egg hunt/church-going holiday has passed? |
Joan C. WebbWriting, teaching, coaching to empower and set free. |
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