[Joan is taking some time-off and has asked her friend and fellow-writer Kathy Collard Miller to share an excerpt from her helpful new book about worry and trying to over-help. Comment below to put your name in the hat to win an autographed copy of PARTLY CLOUDY WITH SCATTERED WORRIES. Drawing on 11/10/13.] ![]() There’s something deep inside of us that believes worry can change others. If someone we love has a different perspective than we do, we worry. If someone we love has a different belief about God, we worry. If someone we love has a character flaw, we worry. We just know their wrong thinking will mess up their lives. Some of these worries may truly seem “worthy” of worry. Your mother may not know Christ as her Savior, and she has cancer. Your son may be on the street taking drugs. Your friend may demonstrate a lack of integrity at work. Another friend drives while intoxicated. You may have tried to reason, cajole, quote Scripture, even manipulate each person into changing their ideas and their behavior, but nothing has worked—not even prayer. God hasn’t changed them either. You fear something bad, really bad, is going to happen. Even if it’s not a matter of something really bad occurring, we can easily take responsibility for someone else’s happiness and then try to change them. A verse that has helped me in releasing that worry is: “Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you” (Philippians 3:15 NASB). If God has the ability to give you and me a different attitude, He can do it for anyone. He is powerful and creative. When we worry or feel like we have to change someone’s ideas, we are saying, “God, you aren’t effective enough. You aren’t creative enough to work in this person’s life. I’ve got to do it myself.” When I think of how God creatively worked in our daughter Darcy’s life, I sense the tears coming. Darcy went to Denmark for a semester of college and requested to live in the home of a Danish family. At that time, Darcy was friendly with us, but distant emotionally. But while in Denmark, our phone calls soon were centered on how badly her Danish “mother” was treating her— ignoring her and saying mean things to her. Larry and I were incensed, as most parents would be, and I began to worry about my daughter’s emotional health. Then my worry fueled anger toward this woman who had no right to treat my daughter like that. We suggested Darcy move to on-campus housing, but she wanted to stick it out. Since we couldn’t afford to go visit her (I would have loved to give that woman a piece of my mind), I had to stew over it … in the beginning. Then I saw God’s work in Darcy’s life. Because of her circumstances, she began to appreciate our family as she never had before. In comparison to the way her Danish family treated her, we were looking pretty good. In fact, fabulous. I’d never heard as much love and warmth in Darcy’s voice as when we talked with her. Shortly before she returned home, she sent a Christmas card and wrote in it: Dear Dad, Mom, and Mark: Since I can’t be there with you for Christmas, I’m writing to tell you how much I’ll miss not being there and how much I love you all. Being away has really made me realize how awesome a family you are. I love and appreciate all of you so much! I can’t wait to come home to see you all. Give my love to the rest of the family. I’ll be seeing you on January 6. Love, Darcy. That was in 1994. After Darcy returned, her appreciation for our family continued to rise to great heights, and it all started with something I was worried about. It’s every mother’s longing to have her child value their family. But in our case, God accomplished this through mistreatment, something I would have changed if I could. But if I had, the good results God intended would not have occurred. Even today, when we talk about that situation, Darcy remarks, “Oh, yes, God really used that in my life.” We don’t want to thwart God’s changes in those we love, do we? We need to make sure worry doesn’t prevent His work. Let’s live like we believe Philippians 3:15: God can change others. NOTE FROM JOAN: Kathy and I seem to think alike in many areas and even write about similar topics. I love the above story and so appreciate the message. We can't change/fix others through over-helping or over-worrying. Only God can change hearts! This book is worth reading. Maybe you can WIN it. Just COMMENT here on this blog and my assistant Karen will put your name in the hat and then draw the winning name. She'll let you know who won while I'm on vacation. ![]() It is possible to worry less through trusting God more. Regardless of the storms of trials, temptations, worry, uncertainty, confusion, or regrets that you're facing, you can trust God more. Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries offers a conversational style, personal testimonies, practical illustrations, and solid biblical teaching for breaking anxiety and the devastating effects of worry. Each chapter includes Discussion Questions for individuals or groups, along with a “Letter from God.” In addition, a profile of a woman in the Bible who struggled with or experienced victory over worry is featured in each chapter to inspire every reader to see God's hand in her life. Kathy Collard Miller is a speaker and author. Her passion is to inspire women to trust God more. She has spoken in 30 states and 7 foreign countries. Kathy has 49 published books including Women of the Bible: Smart Guide to the Bible (Thomas Nelson) and she blogs at www.KathyCollardMiller.blogspot.com. Kathy lives in Southern California with her husband of 43 years, Larry, and is the proud grandma of Raphael. Kathy and Larry often speak together at marriage events and retreats.
17 Comments
Susan Eastman
11/4/2013 12:11:35 am
I too am a mom who has and still does worry over my son. He is sixteen and suffers from depression and anxiety. I question God to why he needs to go through this. What is the reasons? I know my worries can't take all of this away from him. I just don't want to see him suffer anymore.
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11/4/2013 02:51:34 am
My heart goes out to you, Susan. I know you don't want him to suffer.
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11/4/2013 07:08:48 am
Susan, Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I so relate to what you're saying. My son, though now an adult, always struggled in school because of a learning disability and he seemed depressed. I cried more tears over him than anything else. Though I think he's still mildly depressed, he graduated from college and is working and meets his financial needs. I wondered, OKAY!, I worried at times whether that could happen. And as you'll read in my book, I abused our daughter and worried that she could never be a "normal" human being. But she is a wonderful woman, mom, and wife who loves God and she calls me her best friend. God can handle all the struggles. It doesn't make sense but He knows what He's doing. OK, I'll get off my soapbox. God bless you!
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Karen Johnson (Joan C. Webb's assistant)
11/10/2013 11:46:09 pm
Susan, you are the winner of Kathy's book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries. When I drew your name, I prayed over you. I also pray for your son. I pray that this is a blessing to you. Blessings, Karen
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11/11/2013 12:33:19 am
Congratulations, Susan. I'm so excited to know you'll soon be reading my book!
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Nova Brygger
11/5/2013 08:10:33 am
Letting God change someone or something is so difficult to do. However, I think it is longer lasting than trying to manipulate or control things and others. Being prayerfully faithful not only gives glory to God, but also shows that we trust others and their abilities. It sounds like your grew and matured in Denmark. God knew what he was doing; as he always does.
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11/5/2013 10:17:16 am
Thank you, Nova, for taking the time to comment here. You've brought out a very important insight. When we force change, it's not really true "heart change." Thanks for sharing with us all. And yes, I did grow and mature from that experience--and trust God more now because of it. Thanks again!
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Melinda Lancaster
11/5/2013 10:22:15 am
I try very hard not to worry about our 23 yr. old son who we are currently estranged from. Actually, I try not to worry about many of the people I love and care for. But it is hard. I'm making progress but there is more work to be done in my life.
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11/5/2013 10:27:28 am
Melinda, I feel your heart's pain. As you read above, I really can relate. It's taken a long time for me to realize that worry doesn't make one iota of difference and actually can make things worse--and usually does. I think you'll really find my book very meaningful. I applaud you for the changes you've made. Small steps add up and God is indeed working in you. Applause! Applause! Give yourself--and the Lord--credit!
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11/6/2013 06:09:56 am
Kathy, your story encourages me because the emotional ties with our youngest son are frayed. I've prayed for him constantly and we seem to be slipping farther apart. Since he became engaged, he gets more and more distant. I can only hope that God will do something in his life or his heart to draw us together again~and draw our son back to Himself.
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11/6/2013 06:43:32 am
Janis, I so appreciate you commenting and sharing your grieving momma's heart. I have that same heart right now for my prodigal son. Although the relationship with our daughter was healed, our son is distant emotionally. I have to give him back to the Lord over and over again knowing He loves him more than I do. In all honesty, it just seems sometimes like I love him more. :-) So thank you for being a part of this conversation. We can encourage each other to trust in God for those we love the most.
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Lorraine Testa
11/10/2013 05:55:51 am
What I love about this commentary is that we mistake worrying for caring and we carry the misbelief that worry is a Godly way to show support for someone. You use scripture aptly to point out that worry means a lack of trust in our Lord and Savior
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11/11/2013 01:18:39 am
Lorraine, thank you for commenting here. I appreciate your encouraging words. And you have expressed it so succinctly and well: it's not care, it's lack of trust in God. Thank you!
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Sharon Seeberger
11/10/2013 06:49:00 am
Many years ago I was mentored by a wonderful woman who mothered 6 children, and experienced special challenges with one of them in school. She told me how every day she had to turn him over to the Lord, but then when he didn't come in at night she would begin to worry, and in her words, "take him back". She would laugh and cry about the foolishness of turning someone over to God Himself and then thinking she could do a better job when God's timeline seemed off. That always always convicted me when I tend to worry about these things we can't control. You've spoken so well to this Kathy, thanks!
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11/11/2013 01:14:49 am
Sharon, thank you so much for sharing this your friend's great example. I'm so glad the Lord doesn't mind "take him back" many many times a day! I've had to do that over my son. I appreciate your encouraging words!
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11/11/2013 01:16:02 am
Sharon, thank you so much for sharing your friend's great example. I'm so glad the Lord doesn't mind "take him back" many many times a day! I've had to do that over my son. I appreciate your encouraging words!
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Karen Johnson
11/10/2013 11:47:16 pm
The winner of Kathy's book is Susan Eastman, congratulations!
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Joan C. WebbWriting, teaching, coaching to empower and set free. |