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"Unlikely Thanksgiving" and Book Giveaway

11/24/2014

Ezra 3:8-11: "When the builders laid the foundation...with thanksgiving they sang to the Lord: '...his love...endures forever'" (vv.10-11).

"I wonder if I've done permanent damage to my mind and body," admitted a friend who had just left a destructive career environment. "As I begin this journey out of workaholism and burnout, sometimes I'm hopeful, other times I'm racked with doubt. I guess I'd better wait before I count my blessings."

At one time I too was frightened that total restoration was not possible. After all, I had "fried" my brain and soul.

Perhaps the Israelites experienced similar feelings. They had been freed from the oppressive chains of the Babylonians. Restoring the temple in Jerusalem was their goal, but many obstacles remained. The destruction was massive. Could they ever recover what they once had?

With such a huge task ahead, one might expect the Israelites to hold their praise until the temple reconstruction was completed. Yet as the foundation was being laid, they shouted, "God is good."

Learning new ways to live is risky. There is much work to be done and many obstacles to overcome. At first glance, it might seem like an unlikely time for Thanksgiving. However, even in our confusion and doubt, we can be grateful for evidence of growth and praise God.

Lord, your love endures forever -- before, during, and after the restorative process.

Can you think of a time when being grateful seemed like a strange or even ridiculous thing to do, but you found ways to thank God, anyway?

WIN A FREE BOOK! The Bible text (in the photo I took of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem) and this blog post remind me of my devotional book, It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. I'd like to give you an autographed copy. Make a comment here and I'll enter your name for a drawing on THANKSGIVING DAY.

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When Nice Becomes Control

8/26/2014

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Are You Caught in An Over-Helping Trap?

“It’s easy to get confused by the Messiah Trap, a two-sided lie that, on the surface, appears to be noble, godly, and gracious. After all, being a caring and helpful person is something we value,” writes Carmen Renee Berry, author of When Helping You is Hurting Me.

Berry suggests that we believe one of two lies when we get caught in this trap.

1. Messiah Trap Lie Number One: If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Messiah Trap people are doers, helpers and genuinely nice people. We keep homes and offices running smoothly. But we can become weary and overwhelmed when we believe another person’s happiness, spirituality, health and/or success is our God-given task. Berry says, “The Messiah Trap is an odd combination of feeling grandiose yet worthless, of being needed and yet abandoned, of playing God while groveling.”

Maybe this applies to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But before you write it off, consider this:

What if a friend, colleague, spouse or child fails to live up to your idea, dream or suggestion for him?
If your plan doesn’t pan out, do you feel like a failure? Make excuses for the other person?
Sometimes when caught in the Messiah Trap, we feel embarrassed and believe another’s poor choices reflect negatively on our own level of success, growth or spirituality.

2. Messiah Trap Lie Number Two: Everyone else’s needs should take priority over mine. Because we don’t want to be or appear selfish, we often neglect our own spiritual, emotional, medical or social needs. People depend on us for answers and unending support, which makes us feel important and worthwhile. However, when inevitable humanness breaks through our facade, we may find no one to help us. We can then feel isolated, lonely or disillusioned.

It’s a catch-22, because we dislike the imperfect sensation associated with insignificance or disappointment almost as much as we dislike losing control and not making everything just right. These less-than-perfect emotions and experiences feel so miserable that we deduce we must try harder to avoid feeling this way. Or we withdraw, pretending we never experienced the uncomfortable feelings in the first place.

Either way, it is a genuine relief once we realize that God doesn’t expect us to have all the answers in order to be a valuable and compassionate friend, spouse, parent, colleague or Christian. We can break free from the MESSIAH TRAP or the OVER-HELPING TRAP. It's okay with God if we relax and let Him take-over what isn't our job to control anyway.

“Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!” (Jude 1:1, THE MESSAGE).

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The Lasting Freedom of Easter

4/27/2014

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Many of us long to be accepted unconditionally, to be free of "shoulds", "oughts", and "have-tos". We hunger for good news to feed our souls. We are tired of striving, yet always falling short. When we stop trying so hard, and let ourselves feel, we may realize our fear of rejection is overwhelming.

Jesus did not come to give us more to-do's. He does not stand over us ready to chide when we fail. He gives no dirty looks when we are tired and cannot go on. God sent Jesus not to condemn us, but to save, deliver, protect and make us whole (John 3:17).

Some of us have felt shameful criticism from family or fellow church members. We work strenuously to avoid further rejection. We may believe that if we surrender to Jesus we will experience additional religious condemnation. However, it is not God's plan to heap condemnation on us. He sent Jesus to release us to freedom. This is the on-going good news of Easter.

How are you celebrating the lasting freedom of Easter this week, even after the family gathering/egg hunt/church-going holiday has passed?

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Using Time Effectively

4/7/2014

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You've probably noticed that I've not blogged much in the last few weeks. Well, actually it's been since I started my school classes in late January. While attempting to juggle my new much-loved school classes, life coaching, speaking, and my regular life, I remembered that when I was a child, I memorized the verse: "Redeeming the time, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:16.)

I wanted to heed the message, making the best possible use of my God-given time. I thought "redeeming time" meant I must make each moment productive. Over the years, it came to mean filling each minute of every day with activity and accomplishment. Rushing and busyness characterized my life.

Occasionally I paused enough to realize I was not in control of my time. Time was controlling me. I then resolved to step back and adjust, only to be sucked up into the excessive doing once again.

If I made perfect use of my time, I thought, I could accomplish much and God would be pleased with me. It was not only a lie, but an impossibility. Speeding through life is not a productive way to redeem the time. A better way to redeem life's opportunities is to slow down, relax, and enjoy myself, others and God.

Some days I practice this philosophy, some days I don't. I'll never do it perfectly. But God knows my desire to effectively redeem my time. AND He's helped me say "no" this past week to several requests that don't fit into my life right now (so I can continue to say "yes" to what I believe He's given me at this stage of my life.) I'm grateful.

Do you ever feel like "rushing and busyness characterize your life? What do you want to do about it?

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How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

1/1/2014

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First Comes Love
"Will you marry me?" asked my boyfriend of five years. Then he flew overseas to serve with the U.S. Army for the entire next year.

After he returned I became Mrs. Richard L. Webb on December 31, 1967. As we drove from the ceremony in our new VW, we thought we knew a lot about married life. After all, we were in love!

Then Comes Marriage
Yet through the years we've discovered a few tips about how NOT to do our marriage relationship. I'm sharing them with you this New Year Day 2014. Perhaps it will make a difference in your marriage, whether you're a newly-wed, empty-nester, or still waiting.

11 Tips About How NOT to Do Marriage

Blame your spouse for what is really yours to decide and change. (You can do this silently or loudly.)
Neglect your own personal and spiritual well-being.*
Believe that the growth and health of your marriage relationship is all up to you. OR believe that it is all up to your spouse. (Black & white thinking limits enjoyment.)
Refuse to negotiate.
Focus (or obsess) on your "idealistic" (unreasonable expectations) for wedded bliss.*
Shame, intimidate or bully your spouse into being and doing what you think he or she "should" be and do. (Often these are related to your unreasonable expectations.)
Pretend to be someone you aren't or that you enjoy something when you don't. (You can be authentic and still choose to enter into an activity that is not your favorite.)*
Compare yourself, your spouse and your marriage to other couples' lives. (Remember, you only see from the outside!)
Always respond to disagreements in the same way you did in your family of origin.
Live each day trying to avoid your spouse's disapproval, ire, or unhappiness. (Your mate's responses to life are his/her responsibility to own.)*
Believe that your spouse and your marriage have the capability to be perfect 24/7, just the way you envision it. This is a sure-fire way to be consistently disappointed with life, marriage and your mate.*

The GOOD NEWS? You, your spouse, and your marriage don't have be perfect to be loving, fun and even wonderful. Really! Only God is perfect!

So you can relax and stop over-trying, over-helping, or over-controlling in order to make your spouse and marriage-relationship be "just right." I find this such a relief!

Which one of these 11 tips do you identify with this New Year? (I'd love to hear from you!)

* When you see an asterisk, click on the sentence to take you to a short link that gives more information about what this "tip" means.

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A Grace-Filled Christmas -- Every Day?

12/23/2013

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While preparing for this gift-giving season, I asked myself (and God) two questions (at different times.)
1. What is Christmas to me?
2. What would it mean to enjoy a "grace-filled" holiday?

QUESTION #1: In my journal I wrote the following:
To me Christmas is:

Jesus--knowing Him intimately and learning what He meant when He said, "I came that you might have abundant Life."
Loving God and walking/talking with Him daily
Experiencing God the Father, God the Son (Christ) and God the Spirit in the midst of earth's daily imperfection and chaos.

"Sooooo, every day is Christmas to me," I concluded. And then it dawned on me that this reality (that every day is Christmas for me) has caused me to "lighten up" my unrealistic expectations for celebrating Christmas. It's been more an internal shift than an outward one. I've released some of the intense "shoulds and have tos and musts" that society, the media, the church, my inner bully, and others--who appear to have it all together--tell me (or at least hint) that I NEED to do.

In my heart, I now know that I don't have to cram all my giving, caring, doing, gratitude, merriment, music, celebrations, goodwill, and spirituality into the 4-5 concentrated weeks of Christmas holidaying.

QUESTION #2: And then I read about the original meaning of the word "grace" used in the Bible to tell us about the Christ of Christ-mas. This "grace" is the direct opposite of "works", in fact the two are mutually exclusive. All my "trying too hard to make it all just right" at Christmas (or any other time) is the antithesis of grace. When I truly accept God's grace/favor in Christ, I'm able to be grace-ful with myself and others. (John 1:14-17)*

Practical Grace Example! I shared this with some women at the beginning of December. A mom with 4 little kids got so excited that she began thinking of ways to "grace" herself and her family this season. One practical thing she did was to relax her expectations for how her artificial tree would be decorated. When she put it together, she didn't have time to "fluff" up the branches, so she let it go--and allowed the kids to decorate, anyway! All very smile-able.

How will you "grace" yourself and your loved ones this Christmas week?

BOOK WINNERS: Thank you to all of you for commenting on my last blog and entering the book give-away for It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. The three winners were Robyn Bloomquist, Patricia Groff, and Tessie M. Congratulations!. Hope you enjoy reading the devotionals. Love your comments, Everyone. Keep them coming please! :-)

*The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ...From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." John 1:14-17

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"We Laugh We Cry We Cook" by Mother/Daughter Duo

12/2/2013

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[Joan's taking some time-off and has asked her friends and fellow-writers Becky Johnson and Rachel Randolph to share an excerpt from their funny and heart-warming book about food and love.
Comment below to put your name in the hat to win an autographed copy of
WE LAUGH WE CRY WE COOK. Drawing on 12/08/13.]

Excerpt written by Becky Johnson, mother of the mother/daughter writing duo

An aside to moms of all ages: Even Iron Chefs have bad days in the kitchen. And being a mom is a little like being an Iron Chef—with a million things to do in a ridiculously short amount of time—only you have to do it without a full night’s sleep or hired help.

There are no perfect cooks and no perfect mothers. You will try. You will try so very hard. Still you will fail and fall and sometimes flail. You will feel guilty about all this. When I read about Rachel’s younger self longing for order and neatness, for a mother who valued routines and was fully awake and aware in the morning, I ache with the yearning to go back in time and do it all better. If only I cooked beautiful breakfasts and kept a better house, I think, perhaps my children would never have suffered, never have any of their own personality quirks, never made their own share of mistakes. If I had been more perfect, perhaps they would also be perfect and have only perfect things happen to them.

But let me share something my mother, Ruthie, who the kids call Granny, shared with me. Perhaps it will comfort you as it has comforted me through the years. “No matter how well you do your job as a parent, even if you should do it almost perfectly, you’ll still raise little human beings with selfish streaks, temper tantrums, and the remarkable ability to lie to you with the face of an angel. And even if you could be a perfect parent, your child will still have to grow up in an imperfect world and live through their own share of disappointments and heartaches. Ultimately, you need God’s grace and they’ll need God’s grace, and that’s just the way it is.”

So try not to sweat your imperfections. We are just fallible human beings doing our best to raise other fallible human beings. Do your best with the big stuff, and trust that loads of love and laughter and grace will cover the rest.

On your deathbed your adult kids won’t remember how you loaded the dishwasher (okay, maybe mine will as it is a memorable sort of thing); they’ll remember that you thought they were remarkable, lovable, and capable—a blessing to you and others. If you do your job as well as you can, you will arrive at old age knowing you and your children both had your share of flaws and mistakes, but you’ll focus on what matters most—how, over the scraping sound of burnt toast being whittled, you loved each other to the moon and back.

Granny’s Oat and Fruit Gems

These make healthy snacks and great grab-’n’-go breakfasts.

2 bananas, mashed
2 peeled apples, grated
3 cups old fashioned oats
½ teaspoon sea salt
½ cup raw organic sugar
½ cup dried chopped fruit (dates, dried cranberries, coconut, raisins, apricots all work well)
1 cup nuts and/or seeds, chopped (walnuts, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds all work well)
½ teaspoon almond extract (or 1 teaspoon vanilla)
grated zest of one orange

Preheat oven to 350˚. Mix all of the above together in a large mixing bowl. Spray or oil muffin pans. Fill them about ⅔ full and gently press down with back of spoon. Bake for 20 to 30 minutes or until just golden brown around edges and top. When cool to touch, gently remove from pan. Serves 18.
• Vegan/vegetarian
• Gluten-free friendly (use gluten-free oats)

Becky Johnson and her daughter Rachel Randolph, couldn't be more different...Becky is messy; Rachel craves order. Becky forgets what month it is; Rachel is an organizational genius. But in the kitchen they are in sync.

In WE LAUGH WE CRY WE COOK, Becky and Rachel share stories of their fun and oft-crazy lives as Rachel becomes a mother herself. Though their differences in personality sometimes cause a clash or two, the family funny bone - plus generous helpings of grace and acceptance - keep them from taking themselves too seriously. Sprinkled throughout are delicious and nourishing recipes they love to make and share. Please comment below for a chance to win WE LAUGH WE CRY WE COOK!

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"Renewed" by Lucille Zimmerman

11/18/2013

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[Joan is taking some time-off and has asked her friend and fellow-author
Lucille Zimmerman to share an excerpt from her helpful new book about self-care.
Comment below to put your name in the hat to win an autographed copy of RENEWED. Drawing on 11/24/13.]

Lucille writes:
Harvard research has found these virtues strongly and consistently linked to happiness: gratitude, hope, vitality, curiosity, and love. That kindness, or gift, need not be tangible. It could be a simple gesture or intent that is represented rather than the actual item or benefit given. Maybe you offer to drive a friend home from the car mechanic’s shop, but instead she chooses the time to sit there and read. The unused offer still carries meaning to both involved. One study found three distinct parts involved in gratitude:

• A warm sense of appreciation for something or somebody
• A sense of goodwill toward that thing or person
• A resulting disposition to act positively

Gratitude is the key to happiness, and happiness seems to make good things happen. The benefits of happiness may include higher income, superior work outcomes, larger social rewards like longer marriages and more friends, more activity, energy, better physical health, and longer life. Happy people are more creative, helpful, charitable, self-confident, have better self-control, show greater self-regulatory and coping abilities. Happiness can add as many as nine years to your life.

In one study led by Dr. Robert Emmons and Mike McCullough subjects were divided into three groups: The first group described five things they were thankful for. The second group wrote about five daily hassles, and the third group wrote about things that had affected them, but they were not told whether to focus on the positive or on the negative. After ten weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were happier and more optimistic. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to the doctor than those who wrote about hassles.

Another study found that managers who remember to say “thank you” to their employees may actually motivate them to work harder. Marriage researcher John Gottman’s twenty years of research shows that if a couple is unable to maintain a high level (5:1 or greater) ratio of positive encounters (smiles, compliments, laughter, appreciation) to negative encounters (frown, put-down, complaint), the marriage will end. In fact, he can observe a couple for three minutes and determine with 90 percent accuracy whose marriage will flourish and whose will fail.

Can you recall the last time you told someone how much he or she meant to you, how precious your time with him or her was, or how much his or her support enabled you to endure a difficult circumstance? Have you ever tracked down an old acquaintance to thank them for making a difference in your life? If so, do you remember how sharing that message made you and the object of your gratitude feel?

Dr. Martin Seligman asked 411 people to write a letter of gratitude to someone alive or dead, someone who had not been properly thanked for his or her kindness. The happiness benefits and decrease in depression scores, to the letter writer, were greater than any other exercise in Seligman’s happiness study, and the benefits lasted for six months!

[A NOTE FROM JOAN'S ASSISTANT: I truly appreciate the research Miss Lucille has done to help bring renewal to her readers. Joan tells me that this book is full of practical tips on how to be RENEWED! She says it's definitely worth reading. Now, I'm excited to read it and if you are too good news, you have a chance to WIN it! Just COMMENT below on this blog and I will put your name in the hat. I will select a winner from those who comment by 11/24/13. I look forward to seeing who is going to be one step closer to being RENEWED!

Lucille Zimmerman is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Littleton, CO and an affiliate faculty professor at Colorado Christian University.

She is the author of Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World. Through practical ideas and relate-able anecdotes, readers can better understand their strengths and their passions—and address some of the underlying struggles or hurts that make them want to keep busy or minister to others to the detriment of themselves. Renewed can help nurture those areas of women’s lives to use them better for work, family, and service. It gives readers permission to examine where they spend their energy and time, and learn to set limits and listen to “that inner voice." Are you ready to be RENEWED?

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How Does Shame Affect You?

10/11/2013

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This last weekend I attended my 3rd annual WayPoint Summit for Christian Life Coaches, Spiritual Directors and Transformational Workers in Breckenridge, CO.
The theme was Live. Shame. Free.

It was a "jarringly beautiful and healing" time for me...as well as for others. In empathetic community--free of fixing and "get well quick" blurts--we graced one another with listening prayer, acceptance, safety, and freedom. In messy imperfection. And it was not only "okay", but redeeming. The light shone in. Beyond words...

Reminded me of something I wrote a while back. (See in the right hand column) Do you identify with it on any level? How has shame affected you?

“You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You’re not tired. Your sister still has energy.” or “We can’t stop for a bathroom break now. You don’t have to go that bad, anyway” or even “You should pray like your cousin does.”

Comments like these may sound familiar. Perhaps you’ve been shamed into doubting your emotions, perceptions, desires or needs, causing you to lose your sense of individuality.

“Each of us is surrounded by external sources of shame. These vary, of course,” write David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. “Families where people are called names or compared, or where parents have their needs met by the performance of the children, instill messages of shame in their members.” The authors contend that even billboards, magazine ads and television commercials shame us by promising ways to make us more valuable, lovable or capable.

As wise God-seekers, we can cease sacrificing who we are for the sake of another’s ego-needs or our own desire for protection from negative reaction. Although God has unlimited power, He never victimizes us to prove it. Instead, He treats us with respect and love. He’s worth trusting—even imperfectly.

Lord, I think I’ve allowed others and their opinions to make my decisions for me. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead I want to enter into authentic, freedom-producing and shame-decreasing relationships with safe people who trust and love You. It seems a little risky. (Who am I kidding?) It's a lot risky. I'm leaning into You for help.

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Escaping the Procrastination Trap

9/30/2013

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Maybe you’re tired of your inner “shoulda-woulda-coulda” voice, but you’d never call yourself a perfectionist because you tend to procrastinate. Guess what? Perfectionism (trying too hard to make it just right) and procrastination (deciding to do something and then not doing it) are like first cousins who pretend they aren’t related.

As a procrastinating perfectionist, you may not finish a job application, take that vacation, or organize your closet. You may avoid creating new friendships, singing in the choir, or calling a counselor, because you’re afraid of making a mistake, being laughed at, failing others—or yourself. Delaying decisions becomes a habit. Although it may seem like a laid-back approach to life, it’s often painful and limiting.

You can change your procrastinating tendencies. Just starting is a step out of the procrastination trap.

1.     Instead of expecting to be the best (employee, parent, musician, you fill in the blank ________) in comparison to everyone else, commit to become the best version of yourself.

2.     Limit all-or-nothing thinking. Choose your favorite color (deep red, ocean blue, sunshine yellow?) and the next time you feel stuck and start to procrastinate, brainstorm your options in that color instead of mere black and white. You do have choices.

3.     When you’re tempted to procrastinate and postpone another task because it seems too hard or time-consuming, set the timer for 20 minutes. When the alarm sounds you can walk away or re-set for another 20.

4.     Find a caring accountability partner who’ll listen to your frustrations without judging or trying to fix you and your procrastinating ways and then who will celebrate with you when you succeed.

5.     Stand up to the shoulda-woulda-coulda tyrant in your head. Tell him to sit down and hush because you can make progress without him!

Just as you develop physical muscle by consistently exercising your body, you can develop mental/emotional muscle by consistently practicing these and other anti-procrastination exercises. Freedom, here you come.

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"Unlikely Thanksgiving" and Book Giveaway

WIN A FREE BOOK! The Bible text (in the photo I took of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem) and this blog post remind me of my devotional book, It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. I'd like to give you an autographed copy. Make a comment here and I'll enter your name for a drawing on THANKSGIVING DAY.

When Nice Becomes Control

The Lasting Freedom of Easter

Using Time Effectively

How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

A Grace-Filled Christmas -- Every Day?

"We Laugh We Cry We Cook" by Mother/Daughter Duo

"Renewed" by Lucille Zimmerman

How Does Shame Affect You?

Escaping the Procrastination Trap

Joan C. Webb

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