Joan C. Webb
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   Joan's BLOG

When Nice Becomes Control

8/26/2014

2 Comments

 
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Are You Caught in An Over-Helping Trap?

“It’s easy to get confused by the Messiah Trap, a two-sided lie that, on the surface, appears to be noble, godly, and gracious. After all, being a caring and helpful person is something we value,” writes Carmen Renee Berry, author of When Helping You is Hurting Me. 

Berry suggests that we believe one of two lies when we get caught in this trap.

1. Messiah Trap Lie Number One: If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Messiah Trap people are doers, helpers and genuinely nice people. We keep homes and offices running smoothly. But we can become weary and overwhelmed when we believe another person’s happiness, spirituality, health and/or success is our God-given task. Berry says, “The Messiah Trap is an odd combination of feeling grandiose yet worthless, of being needed and yet abandoned, of playing God while groveling.”

Maybe this applies to you. Maybe it doesn’t. But before you write it off, consider this: 
  • What if a friend, colleague, spouse or child fails to live up to your idea, dream or suggestion for him? 
  • If your plan doesn’t pan out, do you feel like a failure? Make excuses for the other person? 
  • Sometimes when caught in the Messiah Trap, we feel embarrassed and believe another’s poor choices reflect negatively on our own level of success, growth or spirituality.

2. Messiah Trap Lie Number Two: 
Everyone else’s needs should take priority over mine. Because we don’t want to be or appear selfish, we often neglect our own spiritual, emotional, medical or social needs. People depend on us for answers and unending support, which makes us feel important and worthwhile. However, when inevitable humanness breaks through our facade, we may find no one to help us. We can then feel isolated, lonely or disillusioned.


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It’s a catch-22, because we dislike the imperfect sensation associated with insignificance or disappointment almost as much as we dislike losing control and not making everything just right. These less-than-perfect emotions and experiences feel so miserable that we deduce we must try harder to avoid feeling this way. Or we withdraw, pretending we never experienced the uncomfortable feelings in the first place. 

Either way, it is a genuine relief once we realize that God doesn’t expect us to have all the answers in order to be a valuable and compassionate friend, spouse, parent, colleague or Christian. We can break free from the MESSIAH TRAP or the OVER-HELPING TRAP. It's okay with God if we relax and let Him take-over what isn't our job to control anyway. 

“Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!” (Jude 1:1, THE MESSAGE).

2 Comments

Not Everyone Will Like and Agree with You!

7/25/2014

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I’m amazed by Jesus. His work on the cross makes me right with God, and His life example in the midst of imperfection and disappointment shows me how to live. For instance, many loved Jesus; others loathed Him.* But that didn’t stop Jesus from fulfilling His purpose in life. He seemed unsurprised by it all. Although He cared about others, their opinions didn’t alter his plans.

I’ve discovered a misbelief guaranteed to make me (and you!) miserable: In order to be happy, I must be loved and accepted by everybody--or at least most people. Obviously, this isn’t a belief that Jesus espoused. When adhering to this misconception:

  • We try too hard to guarantee everyone’s love and appreciation. 
  • We may give in even though to do so conflicts with our values. 
  • Or we may attempt to control others’ reactions to us by hedging the truth. 
  • Sometimes we’re shocked and upset when someone else doesn’t believe as we do and react as we would. 
(This can impact how we behave at home, at school or work, in our communities or even in response to our government.)

Not everyone loved and agreed with Jesus; not all will love and agree with us. This isn’t surprising. But by living out our God-given dream, purposes, and convictions, we can live satisfying and significant lives, regardless of the reactions of those around us. We don’t have to be loved and appreciated by everyone to be happy, content, and blessed.

Lord, it’s a relief to know that I can be who You made me to be and do what you've asked me to do even though others may disagree with me. Please help me to be courageous and consistent, even in the face of opposition from those I care about.


What do you do when others don't agree with your ideas, dreams, plans, beliefs or convictions?

* Thus the people were divided because of Jesus. Some wanted to seize him. (John 7:43-44)

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How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

1/1/2014

6 Comments

 
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First Comes Love
"Will you marry me?" asked my boyfriend of five years. Then he flew overseas to serve with the U.S. Army for the entire next year.

After he returned I became Mrs. Richard L. Webb on December 31, 1967. As we drove from the ceremony in our new VW, we thought we knew a lot about married life. After all, we were in love!


Then Comes Marriage 
Yet through the years we've discovered a few tips about how NOT to do our marriage relationship. I'm sharing them with you this New Year Day 2014. Perhaps it will make a difference in your marriage, whether you're a newly-wed, empty-nester, or still waiting. 
11 Tips About How NOT to Do Marriage 
  1. Blame your spouse for what is really yours to decide and change. (You can do this silently or loudly.)
  2. Neglect your own personal and spiritual well-being.*
  3. Believe that the growth and health of your marriage relationship is all up to you. OR believe that it is all up to your spouse. (Black & white thinking limits enjoyment.)
  4. Refuse to negotiate.
  5. Focus (or obsess) on your "idealistic" (unreasonable expectations) for wedded bliss.*
  6. Shame, intimidate or bully your spouse into being and doing what you think he or she "should" be and do. (Often these are related to your unreasonable expectations.)
  7. Pretend to be someone you aren't or that you enjoy something when you don't. (You can be authentic and still choose to enter into an activity that is not your favorite.)*
  8. Compare yourself, your spouse and your marriage to other couples' lives. (Remember, you only see from the outside!)
  9. Always respond to disagreements in the same way you did in your family of origin.
  10. Live each day trying to avoid your spouse's disapproval, ire, or unhappiness. (Your mate's responses to life are his/her responsibility to own.)*
  11. Believe that your spouse and your marriage have the capability to be perfect 24/7, just the way you envision it. This is a sure-fire way to be consistently disappointed with life, marriage and your mate.*
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The GOOD NEWS? You, your spouse, and your marriage don't have be perfect to be loving, fun and even wonderful. Really! Only God is perfect!

So you can relax and stop over-trying, over-helping, or over-controlling in order to make your spouse and marriage-relationship be "just right."  I find this such a relief!

Which one of these 11 tips do you identify with this New Year? (I'd love to hear from you!)

* When you see an asterisk, click on the sentence to take you to a short link that gives more information about what this "tip" means.

6 Comments

Worry Can’t Change Others by Guest Blogger Kathy Collard Miller

11/4/2013

17 Comments

 
[Joan is taking some time-off and has asked her friend and fellow-writer Kathy Collard Miller to share 
an excerpt from her helpful new book about worry and trying to over-help. Comment below to put your name in the hat to win an autographed copy of  PARTLY CLOUDY WITH SCATTERED WORRIES. Drawing on 11/10/13.]
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There’s something deep inside of us that believes worry can change others. If someone we love has a different perspective than we do, we worry. If someone we love has a different belief about God, we worry. If someone we love has a character flaw, we worry. We just know their wrong thinking will mess up their lives.

Some of these worries may truly seem “worthy” of worry. Your mother may not know Christ as her Savior, and she has cancer. Your son may be on the street taking drugs. Your friend may demonstrate a lack of integrity at work. Another friend drives while intoxicated. You may have tried to reason, cajole, quote Scripture, even manipulate each person into changing their ideas and their behavior, but nothing has worked—not even prayer. God hasn’t changed them either. You fear something bad, really bad, is going to happen.

Even if it’s not a matter of something really bad occurring, we can easily take responsibility for someone else’s happiness and then try to change them.

A verse that has helped me in releasing that worry is:  “Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you” (Philippians 3:15 NASB). If God has the ability to give you and me a different attitude, He can do it for anyone. He is powerful and creative. When we worry or feel like we have to change someone’s ideas, we are saying, “God, you aren’t effective enough. You aren’t creative enough to work in this person’s life. I’ve got to do it myself.”

When I think of how God creatively worked in our daughter Darcy’s life, I sense the tears coming. Darcy went to Denmark for a semester of college and requested to live in the home of a Danish family. At that time, Darcy was friendly with us, but distant emotionally.

But while in Denmark, our phone calls soon were centered on how badly her Danish “mother” was treating her— ignoring her and saying mean things to her. Larry and I were incensed, as most parents would be, and I began to worry about my daughter’s emotional health. Then my worry fueled anger toward this woman who had no right to treat my daughter like that. We suggested Darcy move to on-campus housing, but she wanted to stick it out. Since we couldn’t afford to go visit her (I would have loved to give that woman a piece of my mind), I had to stew over it … in the beginning.

Then I saw God’s work in Darcy’s life. Because of her circumstances, she began to appreciate our family as she never had before. In comparison to the way her Danish family treated her, we were looking pretty good. In fact, fabulous. I’d never heard as much love and warmth in Darcy’s voice as when we talked with her.

Shortly before she returned home, she sent a Christmas card and wrote in it:

Dear Dad, Mom, and Mark: Since I can’t be there with you for Christmas, I’m writing to tell you how much I’ll miss not being there and how much I love you all. Being away has really made me realize how awesome a family you are. I love and appreciate all of you so much! I can’t wait to come home to see you all. Give my love to the rest of the family. I’ll be seeing you on January 6. Love, Darcy.

That was in 1994. After Darcy returned, her appreciation for our family continued to rise to great heights, and it all started with something I was worried about. It’s every mother’s longing to have her child value their family. But in our case, God accomplished this through mistreatment, something I would have changed if I could. But if I had, the good results God intended would not have occurred. Even today, when we talk about that situation, Darcy remarks, “Oh, yes, God really used that in my life.”

We don’t want to thwart God’s changes in those we love, do we? We need to make sure worry doesn’t prevent His work. Let’s live like we believe Philippians 3:15: God can change others.

NOTE FROM JOAN: Kathy and I seem to think alike in many areas and even write about similar topics. I love the above story and so appreciate the message. We can't change/fix others through over-helping or over-worrying. Only God can change hearts! This book is worth reading. Maybe you can WIN it. Just COMMENT here on this blog and my assistant Karen will put your name in the hat and then draw the winning name. She'll let you know who won while I'm on vacation. 

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It is possible to worry less through trusting God more. Regardless of the storms of trials, temptations, worry, uncertainty, confusion, or regrets that you're facing, you can trust God more. Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries offers a conversational style, personal testimonies, practical illustrations, and solid biblical teaching for breaking anxiety and the devastating effects of worry. Each chapter includes Discussion Questions for individuals or groups, along with a “Letter from God.” In addition, a profile of a woman in the Bible who struggled with or experienced victory over worry is featured in each chapter to inspire every reader to see God's hand in her life.

Kathy Collard Miller is a speaker and author. Her passion is to inspire women to trust God more. She has spoken in 30 states and 7 foreign countries. Kathy has 49 published books including Women of the Bible: Smart Guide to the Bible (Thomas Nelson) and she blogs at www.KathyCollardMiller.blogspot.com. Kathy lives in Southern California with her husband of 43 years, Larry, and is the proud grandma of Raphael. Kathy and Larry often speak together at marriage events and retreats.


17 Comments

How Does Shame Affect You?

10/11/2013

2 Comments

 
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This last weekend I attended my 3rd annual WayPoint Summit for Christian Life Coaches, Spiritual Directors and Transformational Workers in Breckenridge, CO. 
The theme was Live. Shame. Free. 
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It was a "jarringly beautiful and healing" time for me...as well as for others. In empathetic community--free of fixing and "get well quick" blurts--we graced one another with listening prayer, acceptance, safety, and freedom. In messy imperfection. And it was not only "okay", but redeeming. The light shone in. Beyond words...
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Reminded me of something I wrote a while back. (See in the right hand column)  Do you identify with it on any level? How has shame affected you?
“You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You’re not tired. Your sister still has energy.” or “We can’t stop for a bathroom break now. You don’t have to go that bad, anyway” or even “You should pray like your cousin does.” 

Comments like these may sound familiar. Perhaps you’ve been shamed into doubting your emotions, perceptions, desires or needs, causing you to lose your sense of individuality. 

“Each of us is surrounded by external sources of shame. These vary, of course,” write David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. “Families where people are called names or compared, or where parents have their needs met by the performance of the children, instill messages of shame in their members.” The authors contend that even billboards, magazine ads and television commercials shame us by promising ways to make us more valuable, lovable or capable.

As wise God-seekers, we can cease sacrificing who we are for the sake of another’s ego-needs or our own desire for protection from negative reaction. Although God has unlimited power, He never victimizes us to prove it. Instead, He treats us with respect and love. He’s worth trusting—even imperfectly.

Lord, I think I’ve allowed others and their opinions to make my decisions for me. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead I want to enter into authentic, freedom-producing and shame-decreasing relationships with safe people who trust and love You. It seems a little risky. (Who am I kidding?) It's a lot risky. I'm leaning into You for help. 
2 Comments

Are You An Adrenaline Junkie?

9/22/2013

1 Comment

 
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You really love this, don’t you? You’re so animated when you’re busy working. Although my client meant this as a compliment, I gagged when I heard her words. To me, they represented a lifestyle I’d tried to ditch. Anything that reminded me of my excessive behavior felt like a punch in the gut. I get a high when rushing, working and finding solutions. 

I am an adrenaline junkie. What do I mean? 
  • Experts say that action-addiction is both a process and a substance addiction. We get a high when we over-do, over-rush—or even over-help. As long as the chemical keeps flowing, we medicate our past or current distress. 
  • Incidentally, some action-addicts appear motionless at times, but their minds are racing.
  • Normally hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline release when we sense there’s a threat to our well-being. It’s the “Fight or Flight Response” and it produces a shot of energy, giving us strength to cope with frightening situations. Heart rate escalates, digestion slows, and blood flow forces to our muscles. Our bodies return to their natural state of relaxation when the real or perceived threat passes. 
  • Yet when we’re addicted to action, we remain in chronic stress-mode, causing damage to our bodies. Initially, symptoms are fairly mild like chronic headaches and lowered resistance to colds. Eventually we can develop depression, panic attacks, gum disease, unexplained weight gain, diabetes, stomach problems and even heart disease. Who wants that?
  • Yet doctors agree that there is a pandemic of action-addiction in our world today. Author Anne Wilson Schaef writes, “What belief have we accepted that suggests that, if we are not rushing and hurrying, we have no meaning?” 
  • An often effective treatment for action-addiction includes identifying and modifying our negative thought patterns. For example, modification of the above misbelief can become: I am a valuable person, even when I quit working and helping to relax. 
This all reminds me of something the wisest man who ever lived wrote in Ecclesiastes 4:6, "Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind." When I continually run, chase, rush after stuff--even if it is very good and helpful stuff--I whiz past tranquility in the pursuit. When I pause to breath deeply, enjoy God, myself and others (without trying to fix them), I shake hands with tranquility again. Ahhhh. 

What helps you become friends with tranquility again? 

1 Comment

Fight Procrastination Day!

9/7/2013

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Yesterday was "Fight Procrastination Day" and I procrastinated in posting this blog to my site. Does that mean I put the "PRO" in procrastination? 

The dictionary indicates that to procrastinate means to defer action, to delay until an opportunity is lost. Dr. Ellis, a counselor who specializes in the issue of procrastination, defines procrastination as deciding to do something and then not doing it.  

Now, I want to clarify something. Delay and procrastination are not the same thing. There may be a legitimate reason for a delay. Procrastination is "to delay until it is too late."   

For example, say you received the brochure for a conference related to your field of interest. You read it, the workshops looked beneficial to you and you made the decision to go. But then you set the info aside and put off following through by calling to ask your questions, checking your calendar and registering...until it was too late. Then the day of the conference arrived and the opportunity was gone. You missed it.   

If this is your modus operandi and you really want to do it differently, there is hope. You can change. 
  1. Decide you don't want to live this way anymore. Acknowledge your need to someone who will listen and help you stay accountable.
  2. Discover and admit the misconceptions that lead to your procrastination. (For example: I've got to do perfectly or not at all.)
  3. Replace your misconception with the truth. (For example: Perfection on this earth is not possible. Only God is perfect. I need only do the best I can at any given time and even that might fluctuate.)
  4. As a Christian, you can then surrender the entire journey to God and trust that He is able to guide you through the changing process.
  5. Remain committed to your decision for new habits and attitudes. Keep walking through the fear that often accompanies any unfamiliar process of positive change.

And here are 10 practical tips for ceasing to put the "PRO" in procrastination. (Not in order of importance)
  •   Accept (or start) a new major project only when you have released an existing one.
  •   Set mini-goals when working on an extended project. Some call it "chunk-a-sizing." Then the entire long-term goal      does not hang over your head continually.
  •   Stop the negative thought patterns that throws the "misconception" in your face. Develop a system that works for    you.
  •   Delegate the workload.
  •   Become friends with "time."
  •   Ask questions. Ask for help. Then accept it. 
  •   Cultivate a support system.
  •   Learn to say "no" as well as "yes."
  •   Remember that less is sometimes more.
  •   Recognize and accept your limitations. (Even Jesus couldn't be in two places at once while here on this earth.) 

Which tip will you try this week?


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Are You A Work Anorexic, Work Binger, or Obsessive Worker?

8/16/2013

1 Comment

 
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It's the weekend! Maybe this means you're taking a break from work. Maybe not. 

In my experience as a life coach, speaker/teacher/trainer, and mentor, I've noticed that many people struggle with issues related to work and service. It matters not if they're an executive, nurse, homeschooler, ministry volunteer or a young parent. Even medical exerts agree that there's an "action-addiction" epidemic.

In her book Working Ourselves to Death, author Diane Fassel maintains that though action-addicts (another name for workaholics) work, serve, or rush a great deal, they aren't always working. 
  • There's the “work anorexic” who is afraid she’ll make a mistake, so she procrastinates and then feels so guilty that she’s immobilized.
  • There's the “work binger” who works in high-intensity spurts that become his method of medicating life’s disappointments.
  • Then there is the most noticeable workaholic; the “obsessive worker,” who accepts project after project, working long hours to ensure that it all gets done right, and everyone is helped and pleased.

Yet, even Jesus--who came to earth to do the most important work of all--said "no" sometimes. (Check out Luke 8:26-38 & Mark 5:18-20) 

The truth is: Your work & service (whether it's in the office, in the home, on the field or at church) don't have to be relentless or perfect to be significant, meaningful and productive. :-) 

I find that such a relief. What about you?

What kind of a worker are you?



1 Comment

Life Beyond Burnout

8/9/2013

2 Comments

 
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"When you burn both ends of a candle, it may produce twice as much light, but the candle burns out twice as fast,” writes Myron Rush in his book, Burnout. “People experiencing burnout suddenly discover that all of their mental, emotional and physical energies have been consumed." This was true for me. I managed my family of two teenagers and developed my company into a million dollar endeavor, yet felt like a walking dead person.

"I've fried my brain,” I said. “I'll never be the same." Yet I’m a grateful burnout survivor—along with others who have learned to stop burning the candle at both ends. How’d we do it?

  1. After admitting our need, we asked for help. I went to a counselor and my medical doctor for direction. Others hired a life coach, joined a support group, acquired a caring mentor, or met with a spiritual leader.
  2. We got away from the source of the fire and gave ourselves permission and time to heal. Eventually I left my business and started a new career. Others took a much-needed extended vacation, a lighter class load, obtained assistance with family responsibilities, or removed themselves from abusive situations.
  3. We discovered the misconceptions that fueled our unrealistic expectations—and replaced them with the truth. Sample fallacy: whenever there is a need, I should fill it. Truth: I like to help and problem-solve, but most people have the ability to resolve their own dilemmas. I may rob them of self-respect when I constantly take over. We’ll both experience more freedom when I back off occasionally.
  4. We stayed committed to personal/spiritual growth and healthy self-care methods such as exercise, journaling and rest breaks.
No matter where you are in your challenging recovery remember this: There is life beyond burnout!

This post is #4 in a four week blog series on BURNOUT.
  • Week 1: Are You Burning Out? (Maybe It's Compassion Fatigue) includes short questionnaire. If you answer yes to several questions, you might be playing with fire. But awareness is an important step toward recovery.
  • Week 2: When Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Burned Out (Definition of Burnout)
  • Week 3: Stop Living Like You're on Fire - List of burnout symptoms and strategies for escaping burnout.

I'm curious: Do you think that BURNOUT really happens? And who do you think tends to be susceptible? 

(This blog series is adapted from a series of short online articles that I wrote for Genius Ave.)  
2 Comments

Are You Burning Out?

7/18/2013

28 Comments

 

Maybe It's Compassion Fatigue

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“I’m so tired. People keep telling me I should slow down. But there's just so much to do, I can’t seem to figure out a way to do it. I forgot another appointment this morning. It’s embarrassing. I just can’t get myself in gear. To tell you the truth, I really don’t care much about the things that I care about anymore.” 
These are the words of a person on the burnout fast-track. Yet an admission like this doesn’t only come from the lips of someone who continually stays too long working at the office. Burnout (or compassion fatigue) happens to ministry leaders, conscientious college students, service-related workers, volunteers, caring spouses and parents, as well as executives. Perhaps it’s happening to you or someone you love.
Awareness is an important step out of this joy-robbing dilemma. The following questions can help you assess your situation: 
  • Do you sometimes feel a little or a lot depressed?
  • Are you grouchier than you used to be?
  • Do you have a tough time relaxing?
  • Do you hurry even when your circumstances don’t warrant it? 
  • Are you exhausted on a regular basis?
  • Do you hustle from project to project without taking time to celebrate or enjoy your success? 
  • Are you angry/resentful and can’t figure out why?
  • Do you spend less time with friends and family—or just having fun?
  • Do you work harder and longer, but achieve less?
  • Is life becoming a chore?
If you answered yes to several of these questions in the left column, you may be playing with fire. Yet you can make new choices that will help you recover fun, balance, and energy. 

Taking this simple questionnaire and admitting your need to yourself, a safe friend and God is a courageous first step. For greater clarity in your process of recovery from compassion fatigue, watch for next week's blog post “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Burned Out.”
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Have you ever experienced any of the above symptoms of "compassion fatigue"? For an opportunity to WIN an autographed copy of my book, The Relief of Imperfection, please leave a comment (even "I'd like the book!" will do.) on this blog and your name will be entered in the July 26, 2013 drawing. 

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    Joan C. Webb

    Writing, teaching, coaching to empower and set free.
    Joan is an inspirational speaker, Bible teacher, Life Coach, and author of 13 books including It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, The Relief of Imperfection, The Intentional Woman. She does consulting, as well as Life Coaching, for writers, speakers, ministry leaders and entrepreneurs.

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"Are you tired? Come to me. ...Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
​Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)

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