Joan C. Webb
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   Joan's BLOG

How NOT to Do Marriage in 2014

1/1/2014

6 Comments

 
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First Comes Love
"Will you marry me?" asked my boyfriend of five years. Then he flew overseas to serve with the U.S. Army for the entire next year.

After he returned I became Mrs. Richard L. Webb on December 31, 1967. As we drove from the ceremony in our new VW, we thought we knew a lot about married life. After all, we were in love!


Then Comes Marriage 
Yet through the years we've discovered a few tips about how NOT to do our marriage relationship. I'm sharing them with you this New Year Day 2014. Perhaps it will make a difference in your marriage, whether you're a newly-wed, empty-nester, or still waiting. 
11 Tips About How NOT to Do Marriage 
  1. Blame your spouse for what is really yours to decide and change. (You can do this silently or loudly.)
  2. Neglect your own personal and spiritual well-being.*
  3. Believe that the growth and health of your marriage relationship is all up to you. OR believe that it is all up to your spouse. (Black & white thinking limits enjoyment.)
  4. Refuse to negotiate.
  5. Focus (or obsess) on your "idealistic" (unreasonable expectations) for wedded bliss.*
  6. Shame, intimidate or bully your spouse into being and doing what you think he or she "should" be and do. (Often these are related to your unreasonable expectations.)
  7. Pretend to be someone you aren't or that you enjoy something when you don't. (You can be authentic and still choose to enter into an activity that is not your favorite.)*
  8. Compare yourself, your spouse and your marriage to other couples' lives. (Remember, you only see from the outside!)
  9. Always respond to disagreements in the same way you did in your family of origin.
  10. Live each day trying to avoid your spouse's disapproval, ire, or unhappiness. (Your mate's responses to life are his/her responsibility to own.)*
  11. Believe that your spouse and your marriage have the capability to be perfect 24/7, just the way you envision it. This is a sure-fire way to be consistently disappointed with life, marriage and your mate.*
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The GOOD NEWS? You, your spouse, and your marriage don't have be perfect to be loving, fun and even wonderful. Really! Only God is perfect!

So you can relax and stop over-trying, over-helping, or over-controlling in order to make your spouse and marriage-relationship be "just right."  I find this such a relief!

Which one of these 11 tips do you identify with this New Year? (I'd love to hear from you!)

* When you see an asterisk, click on the sentence to take you to a short link that gives more information about what this "tip" means.

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Celebrating "Kiss and Make Up Day"

8/24/2013

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Perhaps you've been disappointed when your relationships haven't been the constant support and joy you expected them to be. So have I. 

However, our loved ones have good and bad days just like you and I do. Any of us can become enmeshed in a personal "muddle" that renders us unavailable or irritating to the other. While this can be stressful and frustrating, we don't need to panic.

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We can learn:
  • To keep expectations of ourselves, other people, and our relationships healthy and reasonable. 
  • That our daily interactions with loved ones need not be perfect.
  • That every human relationship has ups and downs. 
  • That we, human beings, will not always be able to meet each other's needs or desires.
  • That the truth is: We can't read one another's minds and sometimes we'll get peeved.
But staying peeved or holding a grudge is energy-robbing and relationship-spoiling. 

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So, since August 25 is "Kiss and Make Up Day" how about ending the frosty silence or back-handed criticism and reaching out to kiss and make up? Perhaps some of you don't use the silent treatment or sarcasm, but your heart keeps a distance. Maybe it's time to take a moment to recall what you're grateful about in your relationship. 

Then celebrate "Kiss and Make Up Day 2013" by telling your loved one (friend, spouse, sister, child, parent) one thing about him/her that you're thankful for, puckering up and giving him/her a kiss--on the cheek, forehead, or right on the lips, whatever is appropriate! And if August 25 has already passed, pretend it's "Kiss and Make Up Day" and do it anyway! :-)

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Did you know August 25 was "Kiss and Make Up Day"? You do now--and it will pop up every year! So mark your calendar and celebrate!

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Over-Helping is Not Loving

2/27/2013

2 Comments

 
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During February I’ve been thinking about LOVE–and noticing how some in our Christian culture view married-love. There seems to be a mini-epidemic of spousal-obsession that gives way to over-helping, people-pleasing and just plain “fixing.” (Okay, if you want to call it codependency, go ahead! And yes, it can be done with lots of words or with silent manipulation.)

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This leads me to ask: What did Jesus say about how to love? Along with other wise teaching He said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39) The original word for “neighbor” means someone close to you. Well, your mate couldn’t be much closer, right?

So here what I’m learning: Loving my spouse as myself does not mean loving him instead of myself. As a healthy child of God, I will love, respect and take care of myself. Yet I won’t be obsessively absorbed in self to the point of leaving him out of my inner life; nor will I live my life through orfor him.

To live primarily through or for another person means that I feel, think, decide, and hurt for that person. I try my best to fix all situations so he does not have to be sad or disappointed or angry or hurt. I’m sorry to say that I’ve been there and done that. I thought this epitomized LOVE, but it backfired.


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I discovered that “fixing” (or excessive helping and managing) can actually rob a mate of living his own life before God. It may even deny him a sense of accomplishment and self-worth because I give the impression, “You are not capable of doing this, so I’ll do it for you.” In this process, I often deprive myself of the time and energy I need to grow personally and spiritually.

The relief-producing news: I can learn to accept, appreciate, and respect the person God created to live inside my own body. That God-ordained love, acceptance, and respect can splash over to my spouse. I can be authentic about our reality and still leave him room to develop and make his own decisions. I can learn to love myself and my spouse. It may be a messy process at times AND our married-love is worth it. 

For each couple, this growing process will look a little different. What would it look like for you? (You don’t have to over-share. I’d just love your interaction and comments!)

NOTE:  Guys, you can substitute the “him” words in the post to “her”, because guys can over-help and over-control, too. Just saying…


2 Comments

How Mature is Your Love?

2/12/2013

0 Comments

 
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Ahhh. It’s LOVE week. All is well. Or is it?

If you’re like some lovers, you may sense that one or both of you are trying too hard to control how the other one expresses love. Instead of increasing intimacy, it pushes you apart. So what’s up?

Okay, no one is perfectly loving 24/7. Yet, you can grow in your Valentine-Relationship when you both commit to developing these God-honoring characteristics:

1. Allow for individuality. Differing talents or temperaments do not threaten true love. Feelings and thoughts can be expressed without fear.

2. Avoid trying to change the other. We may not like everything about our partner, yet when we consider the total picture we are able to be more accepting.

3. Care with detachment. Healthy love cares, listens, and responds; yet does not try to fix or remove the uncomfortable feelings of the lover.

4. Affirm equality of self and partner. A mature relationship treats the partners as equals. There is no sense of competition or one-upmanship.

When you practice mature love, you accept what the other person is able or willing to give. You allow each other space to grow and develop. 

This week I invite you to pray with me: “Lord, teach me to love authentically…with joy and fun. I don’t wish to make inappropriate demands–and force my own way. Help me to be honest about what I want. And also listen to understand my mate’s needs and desires. You had a good idea when You created romantic love. Thank you.”

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Have a lovely V-day. I know I will, ‘cuz it is also my birthday!

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Category Listing

8/2/2006

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    Joan C. Webb

    Writing, teaching, coaching to empower and set free.
    Joan is an inspirational speaker, Bible teacher, Life Coach, and author of 13 books including It's a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, The Relief of Imperfection, The Intentional Woman. She does consulting, as well as Life Coaching, for writers, speakers, ministry leaders and entrepreneurs.

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    • The Relief of Imperfection
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    • Everyday Wisdom
    • Devotions for Little Boys and Girls
    • Meditations for Christians Who Try to Be Perfect
    • Joan's Writing Contributions
  • Connect with Joan
    • About Joan
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